How to Fight a Trash Can

 
 

Uh Oh.

Not again.

 

You’ve just woken up covered in garbage. 

 

You know what happened. You and your trash can fought last night. You’re lucky you even made it to the bedroom; we both remember the time it took you to task in the driveway, and you woke up on the lawn with mashed up bits of banana in your hair.

Well, my friend, today you’re going to learn how to fight a trash can. Follow these simple steps and your driveway/kitchen/bathroom/neighbor’s driveway will crackle like an MMA ring in Vegas. Only you’ll be the guy who knows how to fight, and that Trash Can will be the other guy who gets punched over and over again in viral montages scored with Nickleback songs.

 
 
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Step One 

Sneak up on your trash can 

Your trash can is almost always ready to fight, so it’s best to start with a sneak attack. Keep low to the ground, knees bent. Imagine your feet are made of sponge. Maybe they are; you don’t know. It’s been awhile since you looked down. If you lose your balance and fall, lay there until your trash can thinks you’re dead. If someone else walks by, whisper that you’re dead, and insist that they leave. 

 
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Step Two

Kick the lid off

The fastest way to disorient a trash can is to knock its lid off. So kick! If you lose a shoe, leave it behind. Take a moment to see if you have sponge feet. Don’t? Good. That means the trash can hasn’t cut off your feet and replaced them while you sleep. Kick that can. But be careful; trash cans can release a special powder. Hold your breath until you see static. Repeat your mantra: This Only Looks Crazy to Other People.

 
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Step Three 

Intimidate the trash can 

Now you’ve got the upper hand. It’s time to demoralize that trash can. Start yelling. Insults that work well on trash cans include, “YOU DON’T KNOW ME!” and “I’M THE WHOLE ALPHABET!” If you’re in your neighbor’s driveway fighting his trash can, call it by his last name. For example, “LOOK AT ME, PETERSON! TODAY, WE MEET GOD TOGETHER!” You can also intimidate your neighbor’s trash can by hurling insults at your neighbor’s kids. For some reason, this really upsets your neighbor’s trash can.

 
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Step Six 

Punch your neighbor 

Screw the other steps. We’re going to six. Your neighbor has been hypnotized by the trash can. He’s coming at you. For his safety, drop him with one punch and run at the trash can at full speed. There’s only one more round in this battle, and you’re not gonna leave with a loss.

 
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Step Seven 

throw the trash can into the street 

Screw the other steps. We’re going to six. Your neighbor has been hypnotized by the trash can. He’s coming at you. For his safety, drop him with one punch and run at the trash can at full speed. There’s only one more round in this battle, and you’re not gonna leave with a loss.

 
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VICTORY 

Congrats. You’ve successfully fought a trash can. You’re a hero! If your neighbor disagrees, tell him you were joking about his kids. If he still insists he’s gonna call the cops, look for a new place to live. The trash cans have brainwashed everyone on the block. You can’t save them all.

 

This article was originally published July 2012

 

Dating Advice from an Eight-Year-Old

 

Dear Lucas,
There’s a girl I’m digging on and I’m not sure if she’s married. While I think she’s vaguely referenced a “hubby” and I’ve seen her with some guy, she’s not wearing a ring. Any ideas for how I can find out?
Single in San Fran

Dear Single,
The best way to find out if a couple is married is introduce them to a child. When I spy on my parents from the staircase, they never talk to each other. But the moment they see me they get really chatty! They say fun things like “We’re locked into this til he’s 18.” Hope that helps!
Lucas

 

Dear Lucas, 
I feel like my job is hurting my libido. Any tips on staying strong in bed while weak at work?
Overworked in Oregon

Dear Overworked, 
Eating? Eating makes you stronger and being strong in bed is very important. One time I saw my parents wrestling in bed and my Dad was winning. But I think the rules were different because my Mom kept telling him to pull her hair. It’s like she’s playing for the other team!
Lucas

 

Dear Lucas, 
I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost eight years and I’m getting antsy. When can I expect him to propose?
Ready in Rye

Dear Ready,
If you’ve known him as long as you say you have, that means you’ve known him your entire life and he’s probably your brother. Marrying your brother seems fun because you already have the same family. I wish I had a sibling. Every time I ask my Mom for one, she says “It’s not my fault you have no friends” and then laughs and walks away. She’s always laughing, even when nobody is around. Sometimes her laughs turn into tears. Being a grown-up seems so fun! 
Lucas

 

Dear Lucas, 
My boyfriend and I have been together a while and things are starting to wane. I just don’t think we have enough in common. Is that going to be a problem in the long run? Then again, things are still great in the sack, if you know what I mean.
Conflicted in Carolina

Dear Conflicted,
I do not know what you mean. Please tell me. 
Lucas

 

Dear Lucas, 
Oh, right. You’re just a kid. I don’t know if I feel comfortable going into details. 
Still Conflicted in Carolina

Dear Still Conflicted, 
I’m a licensed sex therapist. I can’t help you until you fully open up. 
Lucas

 

Dear Lucas, 
You’re right. Opening up is actually a problem I’ve always had, so let’s just do this, right? The thing is that despite all our issues, my boyfriend never fails to get me off. All I want to do is screw his brains out. And it’s clouding my assessment of the relationship as a whole. Even thinking about it gets me horny.
Even More Conflicted in Carolina

Dear “Conflicted,”
Lord knows I may not be the world’s best mom, but I do know that what you are doing and saying to my child is disgusting and punishable by law. This is the last correspondence you will ever have with my child. 

Lucas’s Mother

P.S. What’s your boyfriend’s name and address? I’ll personally pay him a visit.

 

This article was originally published July 2012

 

A Day In The Life Of Sarah Silverman

 

As you know, Sarah Silverman is very famous.

A comedy star, you might say. So what's it like to be such a big deal? Let Sarah tell you as she whisks you through her day. 

 
 

Push play below and follow along on her journey.

 
 
 
 
 
 

Photography by: Robyn Von Swank

Written by: Dan Abramson & Sarah Silverman

Originally published in July 2012

5 Questions with TJ Miller

 
 

1. How dare you!

How Dare I? How dare you!? You have the NERVE to walk into MY home AND TELL me WHAT I can YELL and what I shouldn't EMPHASIZE? You dare TO talk to me like a man who JUST had sex with the gas tank OF HIS own car?! AND insult MY bear wife?! Sir, not how dare me-- HOw dare yoU?!
 

2. Who died and made you King?

Edward Miller the III, he was King before me, and he was killed tragically trying to repair a harness for a horse that suspended the horse midair so that he could lie beneath it, and I must warn your readers, this part becomes graphic: he would look up into the eyes of the horse above him for hours on end, trying to communicate fragile thoughts and secrets whispers.  And spare me the fucking "horse whisperer" jokes. He killed 70 men in war once, it's depicted on our family crest, which is a man serving poisoned hot chocolate to a rival family at their home (70 of them). And then below that says "Mater Fuqer, Servientes Calidum Scelerisque Est Bellum" which is Latin for "Mother Fucker, Serving Hot Chocolate Is War."
 

3. How did it get so bad?

Was it ever good? I mean, it all started out pretty bad and got worse from there. I guess part of it is my own unending arrogance coupled with the fear that I won't ever be able to stop mentioning erectile dysfunction in mixed company.  I'm talking about when I'm at a picnic for Xerox and Hewlett Packard. Sadly, I know it will get worse. I made a historically significant music album people won't pay attention to, they just keep saying I was "not bad in that train movie." Pretty soon I'm getting teardrop tattoos and then tear duct tattoos right next to them. I just bought a Nissan Juke and I think I have to put a pizza ad on the side of it to help make the payments. I only take solace in the fact that I've never hit rock bottom because I heard right below that is a euphoric feeling where everything seems "pretty rad for a white guy”--- even pullin' bear feet outta my bear wife's bear mouth.
 

4. What would you tell them?

What they want to hear.
 

5. How does she do it?

I think it's the way she moves....slithering back and forth, sometimes under the dinner table to lick her palms and then rub the ankles of the dinner guests. Sometimes I think it's the way she walks, with the wind whipping through her hair, her, whipping her hair back and forth, whipping cream through it all. Other times I think it's the way she talks, garbled, with gravel and maraschino cherries stuffed in her mouth, repeating over and over "chuwee bunhee" which means either "Chubby Bunny" or "Chumbawamba Bungee" which I take to mean that the great musical group Chumbawamba operates a bungee jump now. But hell, if I knew that, I wouldn't be paying a bear dressed as a woman 30,000 dollars a year to pose as my wife, would I?! Or at least I would be able to offer her a medical benefit plan that fits her needs. I just can't afford dental until Yogi Bear 3D2 comes out. Ya dig? And them bear teeth is nasty!!! Whew. Look like a' ol' rusty bear trap in there!  Ironically she keep bitin' bear feets! I mean, how did it get so bad?! I guess look at my answer to question 

 

This article was originally published March 2012