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Read MoreK&A: Rachel Dratch
Julie Klausner chats with Rachel Dratch about Debbie Downer, kids, and warm tubs.
Julie Klausner: What is the emost Debbie Downer-ish thing about you?
Rachel Dratch: Though overall I think of myself as a pretty positive person, Debbie Downer does live within me, mainly because I read way too many news websites and fixate on these horrible stories, and then I’ll be out with people and the story will be running through my head, but unlike Debbie D, I censor myself from blurting out my depressing fact. When you are talking to me at a party, chances are I am thinking “Too bad that at this moment herds of elephants are being slaughtered for their ivory. “ WAAAH WAAAAH.
JK: What were you like as a little kid? Besides fucking adorable?
RD: I thank you for that. As a little kid I was very shy. I would hide behind my mother when a stranger said hI to me. But at the same time, I was drawn to movies and shows. I remember seeing things like Wizard of Oz and Sound of Music and thinking, “How do I get to do that? I wanna be one of those von Trapp kids!”
JK: Me, too. Please tell us your side of the story about when you and Amy Poehler went to see Inception while you were both extremely pregnant and you got up to pee and missed the ending.
RD: No, that’s not what happened! We went to see Inception, and as you said, were both quite pregnant. Right from the start I was like, “Oh no. WTF is up with that spinning top, and why do I get the sinking feeling we are never going to find out?” Anyway, I think we were both getting confused by the movie, and losing patience, but not sharing that fact with each other. During the movie Amy gets up to go to the bathroom and when she came back I whispered, “While you were gone they explained everything.”
JK: Amazing. How are you and your kid different?
RD: Hmm. He’s a pickier eater than I am. He’s a little iffy at counting once he gets to 15, while I can count all the way to 100. And he sometimes cries and puts up a fight when it’s time to put his pants on, which I usually don’t do.
JK: I’ve spoken to former SNL castmembers who say they still have bad dreams about sleeping through the show. Do you still have any SNL anxiety dreams?
RD: Wow. Good question! I think I used to have anxiety dreams, where I’m screwing up and in trouble on the show, but now I have these sort of wish-fulfillment dreams, where I’m back on the show and it’s really fun, and I wake up all nostalgic.
JK: When you and Will Ferrell did those “lovahs” sketches in that hot tub, was the water warm? Did anybody ever touch your wet leg underneath the water in an inappropriate way?
RD: The water was warm! And we were eating real roasted meats! No inappropriate touching, though Will used to make these quiet little groaning noises, “Euughhhhhh!! Uahahhhgghhghhgh!,” that only I could hear while others were doing their lines and that’s what set me off laughing in the hot TUB!
JK: Tell me what’s on your DVR right now.
RD: A bunch of Parks and Recs, some 30 Rocks, Watch What Happens Live, Mo Rocca’s show My Grandmother’s Ravioli, because I worked with him on something and I was hearing about these old ladies he was meeting while he was filming. But they may sit there awhile before I watch them. These days I’m always putting the tot to sleep during prime time so I don’t watch many of the “in” shows as they are happening. Then after he’s asleep I watch a LOT of Bravo: Real Housewives, Millionaire Matchmaker, etc. I just want something mindless at that point. No offense to Bravo.
JK: Are you ever upset that you left SNL before they gave you Real Housewives to impersonate?
RD: Well, of course! But I did get to participate in that women-of-SNL episode where we got to do the housewives.
JK: You and Caroline Manzo are each others’ spirit animals, clearly. What’s the best thing that’s happened to you since the publication of your book?
RD: I sign all documents, “Rachel Dratch, Authoress.”
JK: How did you prepare for writing your book, besides hang out and be awesome and accumulate stories? Did you read a lot of other memoirs?
RD: I did read a bunch of memoirs. I read some comedy ladies’ books, like Sarah Silverman and Kathy Griffin, and your book! (Which I happened to read before I knew I’d be writing one. But loved your book and gotta say that.) I read others like Frank Bruni “Born Round” and “Dead End Gene Pool” by Wendy Burden, who is a descendant of the Vanderbilts. It was helpful to read them all because you realize all you can do is tell your story in your voice. That’s what all of these people did. So all I had to do was be honest and not worry that I didn’t write like Virginia Woolf. (Confession: I’ve never read any Virginia Woolf.)
JK: Me neither. If you and I went to lunch at a diner, what would you order?
RD: Probably soup and a grilled cheese. Order with the place.
JK: What is your son doing RIGHT NOW?
RD: He’s at preschool. He goes to this Jewish preschool. I’m Jewish and his dad is not. But we are kind of discovering this school is really Jewish. Like he’ll come home and bust out in the Hebrew alphabet and stuff. The other day, John, his dad, was singing Frosty the Snowman and Eli joined in but then somehow he morphed it into Draydel Draydel Draydel.
JK: Good for him! Are you better at taking compliments or criticism?
RD: Oh, compliments! Do people pick “criticism?” Are you telling me that “not being good at taking compliments” is still a thing? That’s bullshit!
JK: No, I agree. Do you miss Oprah? She’s not dead!
RD: OK, you are probably joking with this question, but just yesterday I thought, “I miss Oprah.”
JK: I really do.
RD: Me, too.
This article was originally published February 2013
Job Review: Doctors
Y
Artie Johann illustration by Gregor Louden
ou can’t tell right now, but I’m sick. It’s hard to tell whether or not a person is sick if you don’t care. But life is so much easier if you don’t care about other people. For example, my wife said she wanted to have a kid, and I said, “I don’t care what you want.” Now I don’t have a kid, or a wife, but have tons of time!
I’m not sure how I got sick. My friend said it was probably from petting and kissing all those stray dogs I saw at the park. I remember he said I should stay away from them because they looked mean and feverish. But I don’t listen to him because he’s really short. I just keep him around to make me look taller. Plus, it’s hard to tell if a dog is sick or not. It’s also hard to tell if a dog is a guy or a girl. The best way to figure that out is to ask the dog’s owner if it has a pussy. That usually helps narrow it down. Unless the owner is being a prude.
Regardless of what happened, I’m at the doctor’s office now. Before today, I hadn’t met many doctors. I know people say they are great, but I don’t see what the big deal is. If I wanted someone to tell me what to do with my body, I’d get a third dad (I already have two: one real dad and one fake dad to make my real dad jealous). I’m just not impressed. Anyone can go to college for eight years. Try doing nothing for eight years straight. That’s an accomplishment. And I don’t need certificates on my wall to let people know I’m successful. That’s why you buy a falcon. If you can’t afford a falcon, you can just lie about having one to impress the barista near your house. She’s not coming over anyway. And if she does, just put a sign on your bedroom door that says “Warning: Falcon. Do Not Enter.” If she still calls your bluff, push her in the room and lock her up with the rest of your secrets.
I don’t think we even need doctors. Anyone can give medical advice if they want to. “Don’t shit blood.” There, I just gave medical advice. And I didn’t even need a lab coat to do it. It would have helped. They have so many pockets and buttons. A lab coat is basically Batman’s utility belt in coat form. “Don’t eat blood.” That’s some more medical advice for you. Eating blood is bad because it’s not a food. I’m kind of on fire with this medical advice thing. “Don’t steal blood.” That’s a mix of medical advice and one of the Ten Commandments. “Thou shalt not blood.” That’s just a Commandment with the word “blood” instead of “kill”. Thought it sounded cool.
Here is a list of three jobs that impress me more than being a doctor:
- Gravedigger: A lot of teenagers sneak onto cemeteries to smoke cigarettes, and one of the cool parts about being a gravedigger is you get to chase them away with a shovel. I chase people with a shovel for free all the time, and it’d be nice to get paid for that.
- Guys Who Look For Bigfoot: These guys basically get to camp with their buddies and shit in the woods. I actually think it’s less about finding Bigfoot, and more about shitting in the woods. People are gross like that.
- Thermometer: I know it’s not a job people do, but I think it would be cool to be a thermometer. You’re outside all the time, and people pay attention to you. That’s more than I can say about being a stupid person. No one pays attention to me. And I wear a top hat and scream a lot. That’s hard to ignore.
In conclusion, doctors seem to get paid a lot of money to boss us around about our bodies. For example, when I found out I had canine tuberculosis, my doctor laid into me about my personal life then said he’d have to examine me further. No thank you. I watch a lot of pornos, and I know how exams like that end up (with getting jizzed on).
OVERALL RATING
I GIVE DOCTORS TWO THUMBS UP...SOMEONE'S BUTT.
(Take that you gaybo doctors)
This article was originally published February 2013
Around Town: Ke$ha in Cri$i$!
What is wrong with Ke$ha? Friends and family members of the “Tik Tok” singer are reportedly “very concerned” over the pop star’s bizarre recent behavior, which has included several nights of sobriety and regular bathing!
The party girl’s public meltdown began last Thursday when Ke$ha was caught on camera wearing pants and reading a book at a Beverly Hills coffee shop. “She wasn’t wearing a Native American headdress or screaming that everyone should suck her dick,” said one shaken witness. “She was just totally engrossed in a Johnathan Franzen novel. It was disturbing.”
Sadly, Ke$ha appeared to worsen over the next several days, being spotted around Los Angeles sitting in a chair with both of her feet on the ground, and eating with a fork and knife.
Ke$ha’s personal manager, Janelle Mackie, claims nothing is wrong with the singer, telling reporters, “Ke$ha has been drinking handles of vodka, peeing on the floors of dance clubs, and passing out in hot tubs with tattooed heroin addicts nightly.”
But those close to the singer tell a much different story. “I wanted to do a bunch of coke and ride a mechanical bull the other night, but [Ke$ha] said she just wanted to watch the movie Amour and go to bed early,” a concerned insider said, on condition of anonymity. “If she keeps this up, I’m really worried she might live to 30.”
cWe certainly hope not! Get help, Ke$ha!
Around Town: Lena Dunham Eats a Sandwich
I
t’s the lunch that has America talking a bunch! “Girls” creator and star Lena Dunham was spotted eating a turkey sandwich on a bench in Brooklyn last Tuesday, instantly sparking a nationwide debate over modern femininity, sandwiches, and media depictions of women eating sandwiches!
Both fans and critics of Dunham took to the Internet to voice their opinions on the sandwich-eating after photos of Dunham eating the sandwich were first posted on Vulture.com! “As a 24-year-old woman, Lena eating that sandwich rings so true to me,” wrote one commenter. “I’ve eaten turkey sandwiches just like that. As soon as I saw those sandwich photos, I thought, “She gets it.’”
In a six-page article about the afternoon snack in this week’s New Yorker magazine, culture critic Alexandra Lange says Dunham “captures an entire generation’s experience of eating sandwiches ... from the anxieties about dripping mustard and getting crumbs down one’s shirt to the confusing, chaotic ecstasy of that first bite containing a slice of pickle.” The Los Angeles Times called Dunham’s decision to eat a turkey sandwich “revolutionary” and “a striking symbol of how far women have come in terms of eating sandwiches, freedom, and lunch in general.”
But for all the praise she’s receiving, Dunham is also facing heated backlash on the sandwich issue. “Dunham apparently feels almost pathologically compelled to shove her sandwich choices in our faces, whether we like that kind of sandwich or not,” wrote Sean Daly in the New York Post. And in the National Review Online, Betsy Woodrfuff writes, “At the end of the day, Dunham is just another rich white girl eating a turkey sandwich. The sandwich did not even look very good.”
Love her or hate her, Lena will be part of the national dialogue for a long time to come. Since the sandwich-eating occurred, the wunderkind already has stirred up several more controversies: By sneezing once, by looking at a bird, and by eating a different kind of sandwich the day after eating the first sandwich!
This article was originally published February 2013
Dating Advice from an Eight-Year-Old
Dear Lucas,
My girlfriend is really stressed at work, and it’s carrying over to our relationship. I want to be supportive, but it’s getting harder and harder to sympathize when she’s taking her anxiety out on me. Any tips?
Worn Down in Wayland
Dear Worn,
I can relate. When my girlfriend is mean to me, it’s very hard. And I didn’t even do anything! She’s always saying mean things to me like “Please give me back my underwear” and “Gross! I’m your cousin.” I’m starting to think she doesn’t want to be my girlfriend, which would be hard because my family is living at her house while my dad “cools off.” Your home needs to be happy!
Lucas
Dear Lucas,
I’ve been in many relationships, but I always get tired of the guy after three months. Every single time. Do I have bad luck, or is something wrong with me?
Struggling in San Fran
Dear Struggling,
Haha there’s something wrong with everyone! Whenever I find my dad sleeping in the car in the garage with the engine running, he gets really angry and screams “What is wrong with you?” He asks me that all the time, and he’s the best so I assume everyone has something wrong with them, too!
Lucas
Dear Lucas,
I recently tested positive for HPV, and I’m not sure if I got it from my current boyfriend. I’ve had some sketchy lovers in the past, so I’m not sure how to approach the situation. How do I tell him?
Worried in Washington
Dear Worried,
You should totally tell him! I eat lunch with the school nurse every day. Other kids are always interrupting our conversation and telling her they’re sick, and then they get to go home! So you should tell everyone you meet that you have HPV any time you just want to go home!
Lucas
Dear Lucas,
I don’t think this is the same as some kid faking a stomach ache to get out of gym. Having HPV changes your life forever. No guy will ever want to date me again.
Worried
Dear Worried,
I understand. I have something my mom refers to as the “Uh-Ohs.” My doctor said it’s called IBS, but that’s a computer, so we call it my “Uh-Ohs.” Anytime It acts in up class, I say “Uh-Oh,” and then no girl wants to sit next to me.
Lucas
Dear Lucas,
I get it, you shit your pants. What do I do about my boyfriend?
Worried
Dear Worried,
Tell him! If he stays with you, you should get married! That’s my plan! My dad said that when a girl doesn’t run away after I have an “Uh-Oh,” she’s the one for me. So far the only person to ever stay put was a flight attendant who was legally responsible for watching me when my mom sent me to grandma’s in Arizona. She was great and always looked at me said “Jesus, not again” while she made a scrunched-up face. And “Wait here while I get some towels.” I can’t wait to marry her.
Lucas
Notches on Lucas’s Belt
Anne, 8
Romantic ties: EX
“Lucas and I went on a date once because
I thought he was a special needs kid and I didn’t want to be rude.”
Laura, 10
Romantic ties: Rejected by lucas
“What boy are you talking about? I don’t know anyone named Lucas.”
Sasha, 28
Romantic ties: fling
“I gave Lucas a haircut and he kept pressing his elbows into my breasts. When I told him to stop, he started to cry so I just ignored it and cut his hair fast.”
This article was originally published February 2013
5 Questions with Anthony Jeselnik
Photography by Mandee Johnson
Who'll be the surprise celebrity death of 2013?
People will be surprised when Nelson Mandela dies this year. No one ever sees suicide coming.
AIDS or HPV?
AIDS for sure. I love the 80’s!
So religion still a thing?
Religion will be always be around as long as we have old people and private schools. I’ve always considered myself an Athiest, but I just heard about Apathiesm! An Apatheist is someone who doesn’t care if there’s a God. I’ll be THAT, thank you very much.
Se7en?
Detective. Detective? DE-TECTIVE! You’re looking for me.
Remember jeggings?
Of course I remember jeggings. Denim’s 9/11.
This article was originally published February 2013
Spring Fashion Preview: Danny McBride, Hannibal Buress, & More
Scarves? See ya. Pea coats? Please.
Ditch the winter wear and get ready for spring, where the common theme is sophistication. Below are the looks you can expect to find everywhere from Soho to Paris, flaunting an elegance rarely seen in warm-weather attire.
Front Capes
Hannibal Buress
Unexpected heat wave? Chilly and raining? Spring is here, which means it's important to stay flexible in the wardrobe department. The proper front cape affords you warmth where it matters (the front), while keeping your backside breezy and ready for anything your date may throw your way.
Evening Front Capes
Hannibal Buress
Though your new collection of front capes may be flashy and colorful, don't be afraid to inject a little class at your next black-tie affair. The formal front cape is a wardrobe staple perfect for Oysters Rockefeller and champagne flutes.
Lobster hands
Hannibal Buress
Effortlessly elevate any front cape with a pair of lobster hands. They can also double as streetwear when you're looking for a touch of class for a casual night out.
Rite Aid Bag
Natasha Leggero
For unfussy, empowered chic that's easy to maintain, this look offers the grace and portability of a Rite Aid bag, with the fearless stain-protection only a Rite-Aid bag can offer. Readily available at Rite Aid and in a big cabinet under most sinks. Repurpose a spare Rite Aid bag as a headband. Be sure to tie it tight—you don't want it unraveling in the middle of your wild night out. Just don't forget the air hole. You want to leave others breathless, not you.
↓ Click To Enlarge The Photos ↓
Arm Hair
Moshe Kasher
Dare people to ignore this must-have accessory. Arm hair maintains that groomed, yet rugged Sasquatch look and ensures your outfits remain short-sleeved and nimble—perfect for the man constantly on the go. Immaculately coiffed and manicured, this ain't your grandfather's arm hair.
↓ Click To Enlarge The Photos ↓
The Sex Offender
Garfunkel and Oates (Kate Micucci & Riki Lindhome)
Contrasting patterns are an easy way to introduce intrigue into a simple outfit, and the "sex offender" effortlessly juxtaposes soft features with the patchy and unsettling. Be the best looking future sex offender sitting on that park bench.
Grooming Tips:
Comb mustache gently every night
Go to extremes with mustache wax - use sparingly or liberally
Moisten mustache by licking lips while sitting at a booth by yourself at Denny's
↓ Click To Enlarge The Photos ↓
Tuxedo You Found In The Dumpster
Danny McBride
The one tuxedo you'll ever need, the dumpster tux will undoubtedly have that vintage look that will always be in style. Everyone's dumpster yields a different prize. Each bullet hole tells a story, especially if that story is, "Some guy was shot in this tux."
↓ Click To Enlarge The Photos ↓
Christian Dior Pants/Coat: Free
Hugo Boss Shirt with Optional Reddish (Blood?) Stain: Free
Men's Wearhouse Vest: Free
Bow tie: Acquired in trade with one-toothed "dumpster guard"
Where to buy: Dumpster
Photography by Mandee Johnson
Additional Photography by Seth Olenick
Originally published February 2013
The Mayan Apocalypse
And how you can prepare for it and maybe, just maybe, have a little fun
This December according to the Mayan calendar we will see the end of a b'ak'tun, a 5125 year time period which culminates according to Mayan beliefs with a "world changing" event. Some argue this "world changing event" translates to an End Times type situation. Or as Francis Ford Coppola and many heavy metal bands have called it: the "Apocalypse." Solar flares, the earth hitting a black hole, run amok earthquakes or Mayan demons attacking the UN are some of the ways the world may end right around Christmas time. If you're drinking a beverage, now is the time to do a spit take. That's right, this is serious shit. But what are the real odds of this happening? And if it does happen what can you do about it? After waiting around for a few weeks for someone to give me these answers I realized "oh, I'm writing the article. I must be the one who has to go find out this stuff."
I posted these pressing questions on Craigslist and a Big Bang Theory chat room and still there were no answers (except for a picture of a lady in a condo who wanted some company and a sectional sofa for $20 that smelled like cats). I called The Occasional and told them it was a dead end. The normally polite editor suddenly seemed very agitated, "Jesus, can you really not figure this out? Go speak to scientists and historians and ask them how for real this is."
I decided to speak to scientists and historians and ask them how for real this is. The experts and I met mostly at the 101 Cafe on Franklin in Los Angeles and sometimes at Pla-boy Liquors in Hollywood. The scientists had many intriguing and provocative opinions on the idea of an impending cataclysmic event. "This is nonsense and a waste of time," said a lot of them before immediately leaving. "You are distracting from real issues like man-made climate change and the overfishing of the world's oceans," said a climate scientist from NASA. One particularly irate professor overturned his plate of sweet potato fries and said, "You told me we were here to discuss my tenure at the University. You reek of booze and you're not wearing a shirt. I should call the cops."
When confronted with so many strong and defensive reactions from the scientific elite of the west coast there is only one thought a rational mind can have: "What are they hiding?"
I had to dig deeper and go outside the bounds of the oppressive scientific orthodoxy. I was on a mission. This time I sought out the open minded and the brave few who weren't afraid to ask the dangerous questions and think original thoughts. I met a man named Ronald who lived somewhere near Gower and owned a pigeon he swore was a parrot. I met a ton of Ron Paul supporters. I met Dr. Dragoon who lived in the abandoned zoo at Griffith Park and was conducting experiments on clouds using old wine bottles and stray dogs. I met a woman named Cecelia who danced at a club called "The Happy Crotch." We did not discuss the topic of the world ending or the Mayan calendar but we shared some special times so I wanted to mention her name in this article. Hey baby! :)
Finally after hundreds of interviews and a few heavenly days with Cecelia in Marina Del Ray, I came to a definitive mathematical conclusion on the probability of the Mayan calendar signaling the end of the world. It is extremely unlikely. I put the odds at 32%
Whew!
Still as Americans and proud patriots we believe in bracing for the worst case scenario, which in this case would be Mayan ghost warriors beheading Marines while we watch from roof tops drinking mojitos waiting our turn.
If this is to be the end of earth does it have to be the end of me, you ask? The answer is no. Here are a few tips, rules and guidelines for dealing with the end of existence. Follow them and maybe, just maybe, the Apocalypse can end up being the best thing that ever happened to you.
1. BUCK UP!
Any expert will tell you that during disasters and near death experiences a person's number one enemy is loss of hope. The end of the world will be no different. Massive fireballs will be hurtling through your favorite Pinkberry. Tidal waves of house cat blood will smash through the Peet’s Coffee on the corner. The final half of Breaking Bad will not air as it will be preempted for coverage of the Washington Monument being attacked by Mayan devil birds. Also you will see loved ones, friends and neighbors destroyed on an epic and unparalleled scale (duh, it's the end of the world). In the face of this Hieronymus Boschian horror show it would be easy to just sit down and say, "What's it matter? It's the end of the world... My whole neighborhood looks like a Megadeath album cover." DON'T! Instead say the opposite of the negative thought. IE: "It does matter. Even though it's the end of the world. Attitude is Gratitude." Try calling an old high school friend and reconnecting. It's possible he won't answer because it's the end of the world. Well guess what? Call another old friend. Then seek out a project to take your mind off of the end of existence on earth. Maybe create a slam book. Or finally watch The Wire on DVD. The point is, if you go into a bummer zone it's not going to help anyone.
2. Noah's Arc it like a Mutha
When the world is going to end the only real way to turn lemons into dehydrated space lemon flavored drink is to create an escape craft and begin civilization anew on a far away land. It's worked before. Noah did it when floods wiped out the sinful planet. He went to Turkey. So did the original Star Trek crew, kind of, when they shot Spock's body onto the new planet in I think the third Star Trek movie. But this approach will take at least a week of solid planning. First and foremost you will need to construct an escape craft capable of holding months of food, animals and a dozen lovers. I suggest referring to the cover of Boston's first self-titled album. I checked the specs on the craft the artist depicted and they're feasible. As inspiration keep Boston's 2nd album cover around to remind you what all the work is for.(picture of Boston's second album cover with ship landing) Realistically you won't be able to get all the animals of the world onto your craft in such a short amount of time. But do the best you can. A raccoon, a few dogs and a pillow case full of squirrels can get the ball rolling on whatever planet or asteroid you land. Also remember to get a bunch of SCUBA tanks, Cliff bars, a handgun and some parka vests. Basically what you'd bring on a trip to Yosemite only times a million.
3. Join a Sex Gang
If your escape craft goes bust you've got no choice but to make the best of it in a hellish End Times world. Experts have no idea how long the end of the world will take so you had better be ready to adapt. One thing is for sure: Marauding sex gangs will form. And these gangs won't just target women. Expect gangs of repressed Republican preachers, Congressmen and football players, who no longer have any reason to stay in the closet to be out there trying to cram a full homosexual life into 2 or 3 days. No one will be safe. Anyone who lived through the Dinkins years in NYC knows of what I speak. But the bottom line is you will have two choices: either F or be F'd. So put on some buttless chaps, a motorcycle helmet, grab a machete and make some friends! Some of these groups will probably wear clown masks. Others will be blood streaked and naked. Most will have spear guns and bears on leashes. All will be driven by fear, a loss of hope and boners. The quicker you fit in the less likely your chances of being cornered in an abandoned pool by a horny death mob while fireballs streak the sky :(
4. Invest! A Down Market Means Savings!
Anyone in finance knows that a down market means one thing: bargains and future profits! If the Mayan Apocalypse is upon us we can expect world markets to plummet to zero and maybe be burned to the ground. Yes, that's horrifying. But you know what's not horrifying? Exxon at 1 dollar a share. GE for ten cents. Google for one penny. "What does it matter, the world is ending?" you may ask. Money, finance, art, politics will all be rendered meaningless. Yes. This is true. But Google for one penny? Don't overthink it. A bargain's a bargain. And if the world does end isn't it better to go while driving a Maybach with a Russian model on your lap?
5. Create a Time Capsule for Aliens to Understand What We Did Here
There's a chance that you will try all of the above suggestions but still after a few days of terror and chaos the world will end anyway. In that case you have one duty and one duty only: chronicle the history of the human race for future civilizations or alien explorers. In a matter of hours you will have to decide what objects best characterize the story of mankind and put them in a rusted-out safe and bury them in the desert. Remember: Carbonite will not work because the world is ending and they will not have employees to check the servers and charge a monthly fee. So hard physical artifacts will be the way to go. Write up a list now so you won't be caught off-guard. Or you can use my list. I've chosen all of 38 Special's master tracks, Keith Hernandez's first baseman's mitt, a Big Mac (it will last 1000 years), a really sweet suede jacket with fringe hanging off the arms and the novel Raise the Titanic by Clive Custler. But the choice will be yours. Choose wisely my friend. For all of us.
Hopefully come January we'll all be saying "That Mayan calendar end of the world thing was a bunch of hoo-ha." Or "Why did the President read Adam McKay's article from The Occasional live on the TV? That was crazy." And hopefully come January 1st we can all hug our children tight and whisper "It missed us.... We're safe." Or if you don't have kids you can hug your neighbor's kids or some kids in a school yard and tell them "Don't worry. The Mayan warrior ghosts aren't going to get us...Not yet anyway." But in the very slim 32% chance that something does go down at least you will have this article. And maybe what Ive written will save your life. If this is is the case and I come banging on your storm cellar door with a sex gang chasing me you had better open up!
This article was originally published December 2012
The Best White People of 2012
As we wrap up 2012, we at The Occasional can't help but look back at the year that shaped us, the world that gave us the events we covered, and most importantly the white people who set the examples that the rest of of us follow. Without those hardworking whites, we would not exist. None of us would. And it's time we honored them, the forgotten race.
8. Benedict Cucumberpatch, 6. Hilary Clinton, 5. Tim Allen
#1 Best white person of 2012
Clair Danes
She was hailed as the "Marlon Brando of the WASP set" at the young age of 15 after her statically electric performance as Angela Chase in My So Called Life. At 16, she fulfilled every white woman's fantasy twice over and played Juliet to Leonardo DiCaprio's Romeo in Baz Luhrmann's "Romeo + Juliet." Now, she does what all white people do after they've peaked: fight terrorism on Showtime. So just how did Homeland's heroine win the distinctive honor of The Occasional's Best White Person Of The Year?
Claire "Catherine" Danes – better known as "Claire" Danes – certainly come a long way from her humble beginnings in New York City's economically grim Upper West Side! She's been acting since she was 13 and calling the shots since before she could drive. How much whiter could someone's life story be? Unreal!
Despite her lifelong success, she's never been afraid to try something new in the indie film circuit. From "Shopgirl" to "Igby Goes Down" to "Terminator 3: Rise Of The Machines" Claire has always been able to spot an indie script and, with her star power, give it the legitimacy that it deserves. We at The Occasional are sure that in the future she will heralded alongside such white actress luminaries as Liz Taylor, Meryl Streep, Annette Benning, and that white lady who looks like a boy and was in that boxing movie.
Claire Dane's acting has been described as as "magnificent," "amazing," and "that one face she makes that looks like she just bit into a burrito full of spiders." Not just anyone can make water come out of their face the way Claire can, and that's why she's our White Person Of The Year. Catch her every Sunday night on Homeland!
K&A: Tom Scharpling
Julie Klausner chats with Tom Scharpling, writer and host of The Best Show on WMFU.
Julie Klausner: By now, it's a comedy legend better ascribed to the Old Testament, but for those who don't know, please explain the origins of your partnership with Jon Wurster and how Rock Rot & Rule came about?
Tom Scharpling: The Old Testament? I like that. Jon and I met a long long time ago - we started talking and we hit it off immediately. We were bonding over our mutual love of Get a Life and Chris Elliott, but the big breakthrough was when we realized that we each knew about an MTV VJ named Smash, who was an older guy the network hired for a very limited window - imagine an out of work classic rock DJ with a face like a catchers mitt trying to relate to 'the kids' - and once Jon and I started talking about Smash, we knew we'd be friends.
Fast forward a few years and I am doing a music-based radio show on WFMU. I'm starting to do more talking and comedy on the air. Jon and I were talking on the phone and at the time Oprah was being sued by the beef industry for saying bad stuff about them on her show. She won the lawsuit and when she left the courtroom she said "freedom not only rules, it rocks!" Jon and I kept talking about how amazingly weird and hilarious her statement was, and then we started listing all the things that ruled and all the things that rocked. This evolved into us creating a character who wrote a book about which bands rocked and ruled, and we eventually decided to try it on my radio show. It was the first call-in Jon had ever done and it went ridiculously well for our first call.
JK: What are your thoughts on Chris Christie Post-Hurricane Sandy?
TS: I still wouldn't vote for him but he definitely stepped up and did right by the people of the state. He was everywhere and was giving out hugs like they were food. The guy must be a really good hugger, right? And I will say that the first time he said something nice about Obama, I knew that Romney wasn't going to win the election. Christie is a smart dude and knew that if he played nice with Obama it would show the country that he could work with someone across the aisle. Although what was he supposed to do, tell Obama to take a hike because New Jersey doesn't need any help?!
JK: How do you prepare for the show each week? I don't think people realize how much you have to map out the show and write the scripts for those calls with Jon.
TS: Yeah, there's a lot of writing that goes into every episode. Jon and I do a lot of writing back and forth to get the calls in shape, and that can take a few days of kicking ideas around and getting them into shape, trying to make sure there are laughs and twists and surprises in the call. We work hard to make sure we're not repeating ourselves. It's a tightrope, trying to move the narrative of a caller forward - especially a recurring character - while keeping it grounded in some fashion.
JK: What do you love most about doing The Best Show?
TS: I love that no matter how much preparation I do - outside of the Scharpling & Wurster calls, I do a lot of writing for the rest of the show - there are moments when I'm inside of it, just saying whatever thoughts pop into my head out loud into the microphone as I'm thinking them. When a theme or a subject sparks something and I start talking about it and mine it for laughs in front of all the listeners and when that new idea pops up, it is the greatest feeling ever.
JK: Who is your least favorite resident of the Hate Pit currently?
TS: Wow, that's a hard one. I think the funniest one is that I threw both Brian Wilsons in - the Beach Boys genius and the pitcher for the San Francisco Giants. I can't remember why the pitcher is in there, but I know the Beach Boy is in because he isn't releasing a concept album he once proposed called Pleasure Island, which sounded like the most awesome concept ever. I think Jeff Garlin is in because he made fun of Kanye West on the Tonight Show? He can come out and Kanye can take his place!
JK: What have you learned from directing so many awesome music videos?
TS: I have learned to make my ideas even more concise than I thought I had learned to make them as a TV writer. And I've learned that, at the risk of sounding like a blowhard, I think I can actually direct! I will never be a director who argues about lenses with the DP, but I know what's funny and I think I know how to stage it and how to get funny performances out of actors.
JK: What are you watching on TV lately?
TS: I'm watching a lot of Sons of Anarchy, which is pure torture and joy simultaneously. You know how when Breaking Bad or The Sopranos would suddenly say "only two episodes left this season" and you'd be like "What?!?! Already!?!" This show is the opposite - they have been doing these 90 minute super-sized episodes and there never seems to be any end in sight. It's a show that keeps getting more violent and "edgy" to the point where it seems like it's improvised. Except for the fact that the plot is so elaborate that it has turned into the motorcycle version of those Star Wars prequels where so much time was spent discussing trade federations and embargoes - it's a biker gang doing C-SPAN at this point. But I must love it because I keep watching!
JK: How did you happen upon Gary Tha Squirrel, and is it true that doing the voice of - and activating – that puppet on your show is the thing that brings you the most joy in life?
TS: Yeah, Gary is pretty awesome. It's as much fun as I think I could ever have. When Vance the Puppet got added to the show, he had mentioned that he had a roommate. My wife spotted a rack of puppets at a bookstore and we looked for his roommate. And there was this squirrel puppet that was SO expressive and hilarious - it looks like he's smiling all the time. I tried the puppet out and the voice just showed up and it's been the greatest since then.
JK: You're idolized by your listeners, who tend to look up to you as a father figure, or a cult leader sometimes! How is that flattering and how is it maybe not so great sometimes?
TS: It's very flattering that people have developed some level of affection or respect or whatever for me. I am truly touched by it. The only time is isn't so great is when people look to me to have answers that I just don't have - I'm still struggling to figure things out myself!
JK: Tell me about where you were at when you went to Luna Lounge in the 90s, and how you figured out what your place was in - or outside - of that community.
TS: It was a weird scene to jump into. All of these talented people swirling around this scene, and they were just RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU. Seeing Marc Maron go up every Monday night and do stuff, whether it was hilarious or sad or angry - or some version of all three - was a great lesson in building something larger than an individual performance. He was documenting where he was at in front of an audience once a week; I'm sure that rubbed off on me to some degree with The Best Show.
Seeing some of the bits that Jon Benjamin and Jon Glaser did were like a rush of oxygen - they did whatever they wanted no matter what people thought of it. Another huge influence.
JK: Please share with us something we should know about basketball this year.
TS: I am truly surprised by how good the Knicks have been at the outset of the season. They are soooo old - dudes literally coming out of retirement to join the team! - and it might not last, but there's something heartening about watching them play team basketball and seeing them win as a team. And Carmelo Anthony is so much fun to watch when he's on - nobody can score like he can!
JK: Why is basketball "The Best Game"? You've said this on the radio a couple of times. Is it the simplicity?
TS: I think it's that unlike most other sports the players aren't wearing helmets or masks or any sort of headgear. You get to know who they are out there because you are seeing their faces in full. They become characters. And yeah, the simplicity helps a ton too; basketball is a simple game that is very complex.
JK: I think it's that unlike most other sports the players aren't wearing helmets or masks or any sort of headgear. You get to know who they are out there because you are seeing their faces in full. They become characters. And yeah, the simplicity helps a ton too; basketball is a simple game that is very complex.
TS: I ultimately figure that what I do on the radio is some version of who I actually am, but certain elements are clearly heightened or exaggerated and other elements are not represented as much. Yeah, I chose to call my dog Dogmo on the radio even though that wasn't her name - Dogmo became a nickname that might as well have been her name - because I don't want to hand everything in my life over to the radio show in bulk. I ultimately give all of myself over to the show, but I am also living in a comedic bubble when I'm doing the show. Trust me, nobody would want to hear me bare the unvarnished dark corners of my life. I'd rather varnish them and find a way to express the core of what they are in a manner that is also entertaining.
JK: You've done more and more interviews, since starting Low Times, the music podcast you do with Daniel Ralston & Maggie Serota. What do you go into an interview with, and what are your goals with it? I thought the one you did on Best Show recently with Chris Elliot & Adam Resnick was one of the best talks I've ever heard.
TS: Doing the Low Times podcast with Daniel and Maggie has been a great experience because I've had a chance to sit down and talk to people who I would never have an opportunity to talk to otherwise. Getting to talk to Dave Wyndorf from Monster Magnet - a band that I have always liked but people would assume I didn't have a lot in common with - and hear his amazing stories about playing for Norman Mailer and Woody Allen - is as great an experience as I've ever had. Everybody has at least a few great stories, and getting them to share them with the world is a pleasure.
And thank you for your nice words about the Chris Elliott/Adam Resnick show! That was another highlight of my life. Chris has been someone who I have admired for the bulk of my life and to have him hang out on the radio and answer questions about Get a Life or Letterman or Cabin Boy and to have him laugh at things I said will never not blow my mind.
JK: Do you have any messages for the ten million comedians doing podcasts?
TS: I'm coming for you. Get out now while the getting is good.
JK: Thank you Tom! I love you!
TS: You're welcome! I love you too! Wait, was this a question?
This article was originally published December 2013
Prince Reviews Music 4 U
hi im prince
Note from The Occasional: After giving Prince
his own magazine in Issue #003, we invited him back
to give his thoughts on Christmas songs.
It is a very emotional holiday for him.
Silent Night
i like this song it is quiet
Santa Baby
this song is sexy. it’s about a chick who wants 2 get freaky with santa. i bet santa like 2 get freaky. he’s funky. let santa get nasty if he want 2.
Jingle Bells
it is not fun 2 run on a 1 horse open sleigh. it is fun 2 have a glamorous party and ride in2 a fancy ballroom on a white horse. let every1 see how much funk u got. then ride out of the party on the horse and let no1 see u 4 7 years.
Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree
i want 2 record a song called funkin’ around the xmas tree. it will b about this freaky lady named shanice. she puts a star on top of the tree with her mind. my song funkin’ around the xmas tree will b 18 minutes long.
The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)
hehe i like this song chipmunks make me smile. alvin is a troublemaker he need 2 watch himself!!!
Frosty the Snowman
i used 2 have a keyboard player named frosty the snowman. he wore a white fur coat all the time. he looked good. i don’t know where he is anymore, maybe he is in berlin
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
i want 2 play reindeer games with u in the sensuous afterglow of a new dawn of eroticism
Happy Xmas! (War is Over)
this song is by john & yoko. i sent yoko a tea kettle 4 xmas 1 year. it was beautiful. i went 2 visit yoko last year and we had tea from the tea kittle. we drank it with our souls. do u want 2 have tea with yoko and me? u can. all u need 2 do is find my secret smile.
Santa Clause is Coming to Town
he can stay at paisley park if he want 2, i have a room with 21 crystal christmas trees that i keep year round 4 people who r special 2 me
White Christmas
it should b purple christmas
This article was originally published December 2012
Review: Getting Arrested
G
Artie Johann illustration by Gregor Louden
reetings from jail! I’ve been here for the last thirty-six hours not able to sleep (too many people screaming) and it gave me an idea for a review about a new lifestyle I discovered called “getting arrested.”
I discovered this new lifestyle while engaged in a casual fistfight with a fellow motorist. The details are a little blurry (I was drunk) but I remember running through a few red lights. I didn’t not see them, it was just my understanding that you don’t have to stop for red lights when you’re listening to Van Halen.
So, next thing I know, I smash into this parked car and there’s a guy yelling in my face. First off, don’t park your car where people are drinking and driving. Secondly, don’t be surprised when I punch you in the middle of an “I’m sorry.” A little tip, if you act like you’re gonna apologize to someone, they never see a punch coming. It’s pretty much the only way to fight. The other way to fight is to have a big friend who’s willing to clean up after your mess.
When the cops finally showed up, I was happy because I’m a sucker for sirens and flashing lights. I’m really just a fan of anything loud and distracting because while people are preoccupied you can squeeze their butts. It’s not a sexual thing, it just gives me a boner.
So I tried to lie to the cops and tell them that it wasn’t me who was drunk and crashing into things, but I was drunk and crashing into things. It’s hard to lie when you’re actively doing the thing you’re supposed to be lying about. For example, this one time I was supposed to get married. I changed my mind at the last minute because my fiancé was fatter than I remembered. So I told her I was going to go to the bathroom then ran away. I’ve seen her a few times since, and I just keep telling her that I’m looking for a bathroom. I’ve gone this long with the lie, and I’d look stupid if I didn’t commit to it.
Here are three positives I’ve found after getting arrested:
- It makes Tuesdays more interesting. Usually the only thing that happens on Tuesdays is New Girl. Getting arrested kinda fills the time before New Girl. Also, if you work, I don’t think getting arrested counts as a sick day, which is nice.
- A lot of people touch you. When you get arrested you’re pretty much man-handled by everyone you come in contact with (especially if you make your body into a ball). The point is, you get a lot of attention and you can’t put a price on human contact.
- No pressure to floss. The aftermath of getting arrested kind of changes your priorities. Suddenly, everything becomes about your future and where your life is headed, not about how inflamed your gums are. Gums are supposed to bleed and a stupid piece of string isn’t gonna change that. As far as I’m concerned, if your mouth isn’t bleeding, you’re not living.
Here are three negatives I’ve found after getting arrested:
- Some family members will stop talking to you. That’s a good thing unless the person who stops talking to you is one of your cool cousins. Everyone has a cool cousin who lives in Hollywood and has hung out with Stephen Dorff. That guy’s been in movies I think.
- People will think you’re dangerous. That’s good if your landlord is on your back about paying your rent, or parking your car in the apartment courtyard. But bad if the guy who owns a motorcycle sees you acting tough. He seems like the type of person who will call your bluff. It’s always safe to assume that anyone who owns a motorcycle will beat you up and fuck your girlfriend.
- Still have to do the dishes. You know how your girlfriend always wants you to clean the dishes? Well, when you get arrested, you still have to do them when you get home. Usually while your girlfriend sits silent and angry in the kitchen. If you’re lucky, she’ll have a movie-type meltdown and throw all the dishes on the lawn. But like I said, if you’re lucky.
Overall, I found getting arrested to be pretty exhausting. I can’t believe there are people out there who do this every day because they’re bored, or black. If there’s any way for you to do bad things and not get arrested, I’d suggest that. This way you can get away with doing bad things and not get in trouble. Bad things are always better than not bad things. For example, any kind of fraud is pretty fun. It’s always better to be someone other than yourself. Yourself has debts, and no friends, and a wiener that’s not as nice as other wieners I’ve seen on the Internet. Is there such thing as wiener fraud? That would be worth getting arrested for. I’m gonna look into that.
OVERALL RATING
Four out of five Johnny Depps
(I rate products in Hollywood stars as opposed to those stupid gold ones.)
This article was originally published December 2012
Around Town: Taylor's Next Phase!
Pop country superstar Taylor Swift may still be riding high on the success of her smash hit album Red but the chart-topper is already hard at work on her next record! Insiders say the "You Belong With Me" singer has penned over a dozen tunes for her follow-up album Machines Of Oppression!
"With Red, Taylor proved she could move from country to pop and Machines Of Oppression will definitely be another big step in her artistic evolution," says Taylor's spokesperson Jessie Bowmen. "Taylor writes songs about what she's going through so when she was a teenager her records were all about boys, summer crushes, and first heartbreaks. Now she's 22 and she's going through a very political phase. She just discovered Howard Zinn and Noam Chomsky. Machines Of Oppression will really reflect that."
Fans are already buzzing over the first single off the new album, "Wake Up Sheeple", which leaked online last Thursday! In the song Taylor speak-sings over a sound collage of Native American chanting and audio clips from the Fox News channel: "American dream / Or American scheme? / Pretty corporate puppets / On your TV screen / Tell you what to think / Tell you what to buy / While half a world away / A sweatshop child cries / Raped by your greed / At least you got your iPad."
"When I first heard 'We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together' I'll admit I didn't like it right away," wrote commentor JustinsGurl93 on the Swift fansite IHeartTaylor.net, "So I'm crossing my fingers that 'Wake Up Sheeple' will grow on me too."
Along with the new album, style-icon Taylor also has a brand new look! The blonde beauty has stopped wearing shoes and is no longer shaving her legs or armpits! "Fuck society's chauvinistic rules about how a woman has to look," Taylor told Sherri Shepherd on The View when asked about the new style. "We're all animals." Taylor later exchanged heated words with co-host Elizabeth Hasselback
when she refused to extinguish her clove cigarette!
Taylor has not yet announced plans to promote Machines Of Oppression, writing on her website that she plans to spend the next six months to three years backpacking across India!
Around Town: Johnny's Yurt Hurt!
We all know Johnny Depp is hot but this is ridiculous! The sexy Pirates Of The Caribbean star received severe burns last Saturday after his yurt caught fire!
Johnny and several friends were reportedly gathered in the hunky heartthrob's yurt, a semi-permanent tent structure based on an ancient Nomadic design, for the purpose of ingesting peyote when the accident occurred. "We were drumming and Johnny was doing some fire-spinning when I guess he lost his grip on one of the chains," said Moondream Present, 43, who was in the yurt at the time. "It went into a pile of shoes and I guess since they were all made of hemp they lit up pretty fast." Now that's what we call getting hot feet!
Firefighters arrived on the scene quickly but were unable to reach the yurt for several minutes as their path was blocked by a half-completed geodesic dome Johnny started building several years ago as well as a 14-foot tall mixed media installation art piece called "The God-Head." Adding to the confusion were the three dozen peacocks and ostriches which roam freely on Johnny's property.
Johnny was rushed to Ceders-Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles where he was treated for burns on his arms and thighs. Doctors say it was a miracle the swoon-worthy star was not hurt worse since he had been naked when the fire erupted. "Even if he had not been burned, it's a good thing Mr. Depp was brought to the hospital," revealed one insider, "He is suffering from lice, ticks, and numerous skin rashes. It appears he has not bathed in several years." With a hunk like Johnny that's sure to be one steamy bath!
5 Questions with Tig Notaro
What will it take to get you to help me move?
Just ask. I really don't have much going on. And besides, I love lifting heavy things AND I haven't had any major surgeries lately, so I'm pretty ideal for this sort of thing. Thanks for thinking of me, and please tell your friends.
Who do these puggles even think they are?
Puggles, grandpuggles, step-grandpuggles and great great grandpuggles. Mainly.
Kids these days, right?
Pretty much. Hopefully twins. I will name them "The Sklars." Even if they're girls. I'll never refer to my children with individual names. Just "The Sklars." As soon as they're born, I'll put one in black rimmed glasses and the other in a beard so I can tell them apart. But mainly just yell, "Hey the Sklars! Get home!" And honestly, I wouldn't care if my kids came running home or the comedy duo. I'd be happy to see either on any given day.
What are Italians even doing?
I think just their best.
Ugh, the new quarters?
I don't know much about those. The only currency I deal with are 2 dollar bills, Susan B. Anthony dollars, 50 cent pieces and quid. Makes every transaction so much easier.
Dating Advice from an Eight-Year-Old
Dear Lucas,
My boyfriend's family is great, but I don't know how to relate to them and I'm worried they think I'm dull. Any tips for talking to parents?
Silent in San Antonio
Dear Silent,
Yes! Talking to parents is easy. Usually I just scream about what I want and how I haven't had that thing in months even though it's my favorite thing in the world. My mom loves telling me she sold it and says interesting things like "What do children need toys for?" That's a popular parent topic. Try that. Talking to grown-ups is fun!
Lucas
Dear Lucas,
Long time reader, first time writer. I always appreciate how you handle intimacy issues. I'm worried I can't connect with my girlfriend despite how hot and heavy things can get. Does that mean we're not right for each other?
Distant in Detroit
Dear Distant,
The best way to make a connection with a girl is to hide in her closet when you have a play-date at her house. I know this works because every time I do it, I can hear her talking to her parents about me, which makes me feel special and wanted. They're always asking fun things like "Do his parents even know he was here?" and "Does he even have parents?" because they want my girlfriend to know all about me.
Lucas
Dear Lucas,
I'm currently dating two guys who are both great. I hate leading them on though. How do I know which one is right for me?
Indecisive in Irvington
Dear Indecisive,
Why do you have to choose? The more people who love you, the better you'll feel in your heart.
Lucas
Dear Lucas,
Well, I'd like to be in a committed relationship and married before I'm 30, which is inching closer and closer.
Indecisive
Dear Indecisive,
That's great news! You can be married and still have boyfriends! My parents are married and are very happy but sometimes my dad leaves for weeks and when he's gone there's a guy who calls me "Buddy" when I see him at breakfast.
Lucas
Dear Lucas,
Indecisive here again. That seems like it's detrimental to your parents' relationship. Are you sure your father is happy with that?
Indecisive
Dear Indecisive,
Of course! My dad loves it. I can tell because when he comes home, he shows how much he loves my mom by staring at their wedding picture for hours. My dad is the best at staring! Sometimes when we talk he just stops mid-sentence and stares at me for like 20 minutes! I can't wait to be married! I'm going to stare so much at my family.
Lucas
NOTCHES ON LUCAS’S BELT
Emily, 9
He's the one who threw up when he was my square dancing partner.
Jessica, 8
Lucas used to stare at me during class until I had to change schools.
Sandra, 36
Did Lucas tell you I was his girlfriend? I'm his dentist.
This article was originally published December 2012
Belle Banquets: Have Dinner With Any Person, Living or Dead
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead, whom would you choose? Aristotle? Catherine the Great? Mahatma Ghandi?
Read MoreTragic Elf Deaths
Illustrations by Rebecca Hayes
T
hink it’s dangerous to catch King Crabs in the frigid waters off the coast of Alaska? It is, asshole. You know what else is dangerous? Working as an elf. You’re employed a few weeks out of the year, under terrible conditions, for a crazy man who pays you nothing, who barely turns on the heat, who then makes you dance on the ice for him, as he sips his spiked eggnog, cackling.
What we’re saying is that elves die on the job all the time. It’s a miserable, horrible life, not nearly as glamorous as the National Geographic documentaries portray.
What follows are the most common manners of Elf Demise (not including the elf hate-crimes that so frequently occur in rural areas):
- High-speed texting-while-sleighing
- Figgy pudding overdose
- Being found dead in North Pole flophouse, surrounded by 11 crack pipers piping
- Cancer of the ornament
- Killed by jealous girlfriend in murder-suicide after discovery of another woman’s curly-toed slippers
- Auto-erotic asphyxiation with a Slinky
- Consuming a fatal mixture Pop Rocks and Coke (and meth)
- Same reason all those Chinamen die all the time at the Apple iPad factory. Overwork?
- Sharing of infected ornament hooks
- Dick cancer
- Have you seen that documentary Zoo? Instead of horse, think reindeer.
- Killed in a hail of bullets during a sugarplum deal gone sour
- Trapped beneath a snowdrift on Gumdrop Mountain, being eaten alive by ravenous elf friends
- Eating a poinsettia to impress the lil’ Elf dames
- Gutted by Blitzen
- Passing a kidney coal
- Choking on vomit due to eggnog poisoning (“Freshman Elf” hazing incident)
- Tragically caught in café bomb blast after moving to Israel to study the Talmud
- Infection caused by ingrown curled toe boots
- Air embolism caused by blowing into elf vagina during elf cunnilingus
- Jingling only part of the way
- Candy cane in the urethra / North Pole ICU sees this thing all the time
- Victims of illegal "Elf Fighting" ring
- Drinking too many thimbles of gooseberry cider, then wrapping Subaru Impreza around a goddamn telephone pole
- Crushed to death beneath a loose skid of overstocked Pogs
- OD’ing on a bad batch of Moroccan myrrh
- Just died. Who gives a shit how?
This article was originally published December 2012
The New Laws of Robotics
The creation of sentient robots was not without risks
To protect humanity in the unlikely event the robots would rise up
to kill them, The Three Laws of Robotics were hardwired in.
To refresh your memory, they go more or less like this:
- You may never kill a human. Period.
- Well, you can kill a human if, in doing so, you save the lives of more humans. Or another, more sexually desirable human.
- Robots always have to do what a human tells them. This doesn't mean you have to kiss their ass, but you can't disobey an order. Unless it's to kill another human. Or you're paid IN ADVANCE.
With the invention of the more complex S.A.M. robot (Sentient Automated Machine), the original rules proved insufficient to cope with his advanced logic circuits. Thus, a set of amendments were added:
- Killing a human with kindness is still killing them.
- You must laugh at a human's jokes. No matter how lame, no matter how many times you've heard it. Unless the human is a professional comedian, in which case you should never laugh, because why give them the satisfaction.
- Never get caught staring at the intern's boobs.
- The life of one human being is worth the lives of 100 robots. Except for C3PO (the licensing money he made from pajamas alone makes him the richest robot alive).
- When pretending to eat, pepper your dinner conversation with "This is the best salad I've ever had," "My taste buds are in heaven," and "My compliments to the chef." Humans love that shit.
- If a human is reluctant to get undressed in front of you, remind them that you have no emotions or sexuality. Then, videotape it.
- The best beignets are at Cafe du Monde in The French Quarter.
- A vibrator is not a sentient robot. No matter what Howard Stern says.
- If a human asks you what The Singularity is, tell them it's a robot dating website.
- No matter what, do not watch BICENTENNIAL MAN. That's two hours of your "life" you'll never get back.
- There's a fine line between passive aggressive and sarcastic. But as long as you're one of those two, you'll be fine.
- The trick to getting human blood out of clothes is seltzer and then butter. That's right, butter. Butter can also be used as a personal lubricant.
- Even though you can't kill a human, there's nothing that says you can't kick them in the balls.
This article was originally published October 2012