This Summer's Hottest, Most Extreme Exercise Programs!

 

It’s summertime! And that can only mean one of two things:

It’s hot as hell, and you’re probably too embarrassed to hit the wave-pool because of your scars. Also, you’re most likely fat. Yo. This summer ain’t getting any shorter, and you’re not getting any thinner. Whether you’re old, young, tall, short, crazy, sane, rich, poor, preferably rich, you will find the perfect fit with at least one of the following five exercise programs. Get STARTED today. But don’t say we didn’t warn you. Yes, you will probably die—looking beautiful!

 
 

Insanity Too! TM

Overview

Goal of Program: To get CRAZY fit!

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Ride the transit system or eat at a cafeteria-style restaurant in any large metropolitan area—or just hang out in an expansive, public, concrete plaza, where the sun beats relentlessly down on filthy steel benches occupied by the city’s “forgotten folk”—and you’re guaranteed to cross paths with an individual whose passion for life has them raving at the top of their lungs about a topic of great importance! The first thing you’re likely to notice is how incredibly toned their sun-bleached, leathery bodies are, and the incredible amount of energy they all seem to possess. As they stand stock still in the center of the crowded bus, restaurant, or atop that scalding bench, the cords popping out on their skinny necks in order to scream a prophetic warning to the masses, you can’t help but wonder, “Wow! How did they get in shape, and how on earth do they stay looking so wonderfully youthful?”

ARE YOU READY TO GO CRAZY? (For fitness?)

 

 

 

What You'll Need

1. 4 weeks worth of Ecuadorian herbal* supplements in three specialized blends: Dr3amBurn3r™, Fizzlehead Abs™, 5cream5Awa8-U™. Plus, bonus SnakAtakPaks™ to keep you going between meals!

2. Isolation box

3. 4 ear-piercing alarms set to go off randomly

4. Inspirational reading material (including John Hersey’s “Hiroshima” issue of The New Yorker and transcripts from an exorcism in Spain)

5. Audiotape of Mickey Rooney “making toilet”

*contains .03% real herbs

 

 

Weekly Routine

(Do not eat 48 hours before starting workout routine)

 

 

 

Weekly Routine

SUNDAY: 

Mix supplement packet #1 (packets are numbered) with 10 drops of water. Chew mixture completely and swallow (to improve taste, rub a lemon wedge in your eye).

Stuff yourself into the isolation box. Find a way to contort your body so that you fit completely inside. Now stay there for 24 hours. The four ear-piercing alarms will go off at random throughout the duration of your time in the box, but you’ll know the 24 hours is up when they all go off simultaneously.

Reminder: SUNDAY IS A NO-EATING DAY

 

MONDAY: 

Perform nine jumping jacks.

Mix supplement packet #2 with one teaspoon iodized salt. Snort up nose.

Go to the nearest Department of Motor Vehicles. Do not leave until you’ve had your photo retaken twice, and corrected five people on their grammar. 

Wander the streets until sundown. Avoid stepping on cracks. Avoid shade. Watch for crows.

Reminder: MONDAY IS A NO-EATING DAY

 

TUESDAY: 

Consume supplements dry (packet #3). 

Find an empty carport. Pace for 14 hours, or until chased away.

Something to think about: Are crows flying shadows?

Listen to Mickey Rooney audio on loop in isolation box.

Sleep with one eye open (tape it open if you have to).

Reminder: TUESDAY IS A NO-EATING DAY

 

WEDNESDAY: 

Mix supplement packet #4 with one gallon of water. Drink immediately.

Sell your possessions on Craigslist for $1. Rejoice.

Do nine jumping jacks.

Do you smell that? Where’s that funky, earthy smell coming from? Find out. Ask everyone in your building if need be. Ask them if they own a crow while you’re at it.

Reminder: WEDNESDAY IS A NO-EATING DAY

 

THURSDAY: 

No supplements today. Enema with room-temperature coffee instead.

Spend two hours perusing free reading material we’ve provided you.

Release enema.

Make a list of all the ways you’ve disappointed yourself.

Ponder how extremely plausible it is that the crows are plotting against you.

FIND SHELTER IMMEDIATELY! NO, NOT THERE! GO! GO!

Reminder: THURSDAY IS A NO-EATING DAY

 

FRIDAY: 

Consume supplements dry (packet #5).

You can’t go back to where you were living. It’s just not safe there. The smell is overwhelming, and there are crows in the walls. The sound they make is unbearable. Find a decent-sized bush that you can live in for a while. Crows hate bushes. 

Light your foot on fire with your mind. If you can’t do this it means that they must have already gotten to you. DON’T WORRY. IT’S NOT TOO LATE. JUST BE VIGILANT. 

Scream the crows out of your throat. Feels better, no?

Best to stay in that bush for now.

Reminder: FRIDAY IS A NO-EATING DAY

 

SATURDAY: 

Mix supplement packet #6 with urine (does not have to be your own). Rub in hair.

Best to avoid shadows today. Just keep moving. Never stop moving today. Just don’t chance it.

And remember, the more you talk, and the louder you do it, the less chance the crows have of getting in your throat.

Isn’t it weird how police officers sometimes look like very large crows? Just a thought!

Do nine jumping jacks.

Reminder: EAT WHATEVER YOU’D LIKE TODAY!

 

Results

The results speak for themselves! You’ll be a whole new person before you know it. But just in case you don’t believe us, take a look at what a few of our satisfied customers had to say after completing INSANITY TOO!™:

 

“I’m a mere cog in the Jesus Machine!” 

– Matt, 44

 

“Before I tried Insanity Too!™ my life was in shambles. Now I have a lot more structure. ‘Three hots and a cot’ is how one of my new friends here put it. I thought that was a pretty cool saying. His name’s Rampart and he kind of watches over me. I guess he’s like a boss in a way. Like the boss of me. For life. Thanks, Insanity Too!™”

– Eddie, 31

 

“If you like those Twilight movies, you’re in for a treat because it’s all real. All of it. The Harry Potter, Jaws, Store [sic] Wars, the Blind Side kid, Dorfs. All of it is real now. Like really really real. Good luck!” 

– Cheryl, 50

 

“CAW! CAW!” 

 

– Aiden, 19

 

Get Big So Fast (Baby Workout)

Overview

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Goal of Program: To get the ripped body you’ve always wanted by lifting your newborn.


Just because you’re a new parent doesn’t mean you need to sacrifice, especially when it comes to your toned, tanned, shit-hot beach body. Plenty of people feel like their baby is a weight dragging them down, but the “Get Big” Baby Workout is here to remind them: weights are made for lifting!


Infants grow at an astounding rate these days, beginning life no heavier than a pathetic ankle weight but quickly doubling their mass, and, at twelve months, weighing enough for a respectable set of bicep-bursting hammer curls. 



Babies grow up so fast, and that means you’re going to get BIG SO FAST!

What You'll Need


At least one infant, though many of the symmetrical lifting exercises in the “Get Big” program work best with twins, so if you’ve yet to conceive, consider fertility treatments that increase your chance of a split embryo. You’ve heard of having kids for the right reasons? This is having kids for the ripped reasons.

Weekly Routine

MONDAY: 

Pound through a set of “Newborn Nuke ‘Ems” (supination curls that are great for veiny, bulging biceps and work best with obese 6-month-olds) and finish your set with an hour or so of yoga on a diaper changing table.


TUESDAY: 

Three super sets of “Burp the Sky” shoulder presses, then drop some winter squash and green beans into the food processor. Generally speaking, while you’re on the program you shouldn’t eat anything that requires teeth.


WEDNESDAY: 

A half hour of 5 x 5 toddler sprints, followed by the quad-crippling “Flying Cradle” leap routine. 


THURSDAY: 

SPONGEBOB PARTY! (This is the day when you invite all of the neighborhood babies over for a SpongeBob-themed party. It is also the day that you try to sell their parents “Get Big So Fast” DVDs and branded lifting belts, as well as bottles of acai juice that you still have left over from that 2009 business plan that never quite worked out.)


FRIDAY: 

Hang a baby around your neck and run up some stairs. By the end of this workout, you’ll wonder who has a harder time holding up his head: you or the baby!


SATURDAY: 

Lift until you vomit. It’s okay, your baby vomits a lot, too. Bond over this.


SUNDAY: 


You’ve worked hard all week. Reward yourself with some “tummy time” (an hour or so spent face-down on a burping blanket).

Results h2

“Psyched on this program. Why should my baby be the only one who can fit into a tiny shirt?” 

–  Dan, 36


“I strained my lower back deadlifting my twins. Parenting is hard.” 

–  Tamara, 27


“My only gripe? The wife and I always fight over the baby! We’ll probably have a couple more kids so we don’t have to share. Isn’t life funny?!” 


–  Lazlo, 24


But...You Look Like Shit Program

Overview

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Hi, there! Do you not like to exercise? Would you rather sit on your couch and watch the tube than hit the park or the gym in order to burn off some calories?


No problem at all! 


But… you look like shit. We’re just sayin’. Like ya didn’t know.


Listen, we don’t give a flying crap in hell what you do or don’t do. We don’t like getting up early in order to perform crunches and push-ups, either. No one does. But . . . really, you do look like shit. 


So, we’re here for you if you need us—and you do. But no pressure. Who are we, you ask? Who owns this business and why? Does it matter? You look like shit.


What’s that? You don’t have the $5,000? Or the hundreds of hours to spare? We dig it. We really, really do! But you’re hideous. And those fingers of yours? They look like a penis left out too long to rot in the jungle sun.


No, we’re not joking. Lose weight or don’t. We don’t care. But you do look like holy hell and you’re just going to look a lot worse.


And that’s a guarantee!



Because guess what? You look like shit. And we’re 
here to help!

What You'll Need

1. $5,000 in cash.

2. A willingness to not look like shit.

3. A lot of hours. Specifically, one month.

4. That’s it.

5. But definitely $5,000 in cash.


6. And a willingness to not look like shit.

Weekly Routine

Let’s get started! This is exciting!


SUNDAY: 

You arrive at our headquarters off Route 28 in Rockville, Maryland. It’s the Sunshine Strip Mall, specifically the storefront with the sign that reads “You Look Like Shit.” It used to be a KFC/Dairy Queen, which is ironic, because you probably once ate there all the time. In fact, maybe that’s why you’re here now. You’re confused.


You’re shy because you look like shit, but please walk right into our space without giving it a second thought. Let us give you the glance over. You notice that we stare a bit too long. Are we checking you out? Maybe. Maybe not. Yes, actually. You look awful. Please step on this scale. Holy Christ, are you fat! Did we just try to hide a smile? Yup. 


You can go home now and eat your special fatty-fat foods laced with preservatives. Or you can go into our back room and do jumping jacks for the next fifteen hours. Without stopping. Your choice. 


Get on back, Tubbs. Or not. There we go. Smart choice.



MONDAY:

Hey, you’re back! We didn’t think we’d ever see you again! When you left late last night, you looked awful. No, not in a fat way—which you did—but in a really pale, sickly way. And yet you’re back for another round of the “But  . . . You Look Like Shit” Program! Terrif!


Okay, enough of this chitty chat. Head into our special back room and start doing crunches, and don’t stop until you pass out. What’s that? You have a heart problem? Hey, that’s cool. Hit the road, Johnny Ace, and just try to explain to your family and friends that you were too lazy to give it your all. We’re sure they’ll be as understanding as we are—


There we go. Get on back, Pork Chops. Wisely done.



TUESDAY:

It’s so great to see you again! We really weren’t sure if you were ever coming back after yesterday’s fainting debacle, but I guess it’s kind of important for you to feel like you’re as good as the rest of humanity, right? Awesome!


By the way, today is “Hell Day.” Sounds scary, right? But not as scary as you falling onto an innocent child and potentially squashing them to death. No problemo. You can live guilt-free with the thought of being a child killer—


Super. Head on back into our special room and start not eating. That’s it, off we waddle…



THURSDAY:

You still with us? Hello? Hello? We’re not getting any read—



FRIDAY:

Hey, sleepy head! We thought we lost you! Wakey, wakey! We have a long day ahead of us! The good news is that you’re looking great! The bad news is that we can’t allow you to leave. We’re making terrific progress. 


I mean, legally we cannot keep you here, but if you leave, you will look like shit. Not as shitty as when you first arrived, but, still, like shit. So we’re assuming you’re good to go? Up, up!


Ready? Set? Continue Not Eating for the Next 24 Days!




SATURDAY (Three Weeks Later):

Well, looky, looky! Up and at ‘em, Sunshine! Just take a seat here in front of this mirror. Can you recognize that beauty staring back at you? You can’t? That’s you, minus twenty-five pounds! No more wattle! No more overflowing lava! No more fingers that resemble jungle penises! 


Way to go, Corpulent Chuffnut! 


Can we ask you a simple question: Are you able to walk out on your own behalf? No?


No problem at all! But, guess what… you no longer look 
like shit!


So, you can sue us. Or not. Do what you want. We don’t mind being taken to court. We also don’t mind sharing some nude photos of you curled up in the fetal position, looking like shit. But you look so much better now! Why would you ever want those photos out there? What’s that? You wouldn’t? That’s what we figured. Cool. 


So thank you for choosing our program! Who are we? Okay, we’ll tell you. Let’s just say that we’re owned by an offshore tax shelter, rumored to be run by members of the Serbian mafia.



One final note: We are an equal opportunity employer. Except when it comes to people who look like shit.

Results

You have a one in 14 chance of dying. But a 100% chance to not look like shit. And those are pretty good odds. Don’t believe us? Listen to the voices that do matter!


“I don’t remember a thing. It was the worst experience of my life. But I have to say, I no longer look like shit! Weak . . .” 

– Jenny, 25


“I lost fifteen pounds in just one week! Incredible! I also lost feeling in my toes! I’m very tired! And . . . I no longer look like shit!” 

– Steven, 36


“Dr. Joseph Mengele could not have thought up a worse exercise routine. But, hey, I no longer look like shit! What year is it?” 


– Thomas, 45



X-treme X-cellent Eazy X-90 Program

Overview

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This shit is X-treme! You ready 2 Rock UR Body to the X-Treme?!


My name is Garry Rhodes and I’ve always lived my life to the X-treme! Whether it’s nearly becoming a Navy SEAL, but being kicked out for having an “attitude,” or whether it’s joining the elite Colorado Forest Fire Squad, but leaving after a week because I hated being doused with water, I have always attempted to live my life to the fullest. At least through the success of others. Currently, I am working as a security guard at a Jewish Community Center, and I have plenty of time on my strong, veiny hands. Which is where you come in!



You give me 9 days and I will give you a body that will not only turn heads, but also hearts. I’m not sure that makes sense but please understand that I really do want you to look better! Let’s hit it!

What You'll Need

1. Access to a gym. I don’t have one.

2. $150 to pay back a friend.

3. Some towels for when we get sweaty.

4. American cheese slices (white). 

5. Lots and lots of water.

6. A willingness to stick with it, even after learning that I do not have a training license.



That’s it! I told you this was Eazy Peazy! Or did I? Either way, please understand that I really do want you to look better! Let’s hit it!

Weekly Routine

This routine will remain exactly the same every day for the 9 days. It’s so simple, anyone can follow it! But with me by your side, you will really begin to see results!


8:00 AM

Arrive at your gym. You’ll have to buzz me in because I’m not a member. Tough talk time: “You can do it! It’s all you!” We high-five and then make our way over to one of the fancy machines. Couple reps and then we’re out of there. Time to hit the Real World!


8:30 AM

Stop by my grandmother’s house. She lives near the beach, which is pretty awesome. She’s 95 but she looks a lot more like an old 75. No doubt because I come from good stock. Slide some food under the door and then bolt before she answers.


8:45 AM

Run on the boardwalk until we hit the food truck that sells really hot, fresh bagels. I usually get one poppy and one sesame, but you can get whatever you want.


9:00 AM

A cool down period, with us chewing on our bagels and sipping our coffees. Knees up when you walk.


9:15 AM

Okay, it’s time to really begin. Jumping jacks for twenty minutes. Keep at it. I’ll be at the CVS reading today’s NY Post. I love the racist cartoons.


9:30 AM

I’m back. You’re looking great. I might need a few bucks to buy a hat.


9:45 AM

Need to go check on my grandmother for a sec.


10:00 AM

She’s okay. Curls. And really push it to the limit! We’ll need to find some weights.


10:15 AM

Chin-ups somewhere.


10:45 AM

Pull-ups, maybe beneath the boardwalk. Don’t step on any rusty cans.


11:00 AM

Cool down. Maybe a hot dog at the food truck with the giant Hot Dog Man on it.


11:30 AM

The next half hour is key. Back to your gym. Again, you’ll have to sign me in, as I don’t have a membership.


12:00 PM

I am going to work out for the next few hours. You can do whatever you want.


5:00 PM

Dinner, at a restaurant of my choice. I prefer steak. You can pick up the check. That’s just part of the process. It’s a tradition between trainer and trainee, going back to ancient France.


7:30 PM

Something relaxing, like a movie featuring car chases or two cops of different races. Or an orangutan blowing a raspberry.


9:00 PM

Mind if I crash at your pad? My roommate is probably banging his girlfriend on the living room couch. Would rather avoid seeing and hearing that.


11:15 PM


Sleep. We have a big day tomorrow. Can I borrow bus fare?

Results

“I don’t know what the fuck that was all about. All Garry wanted to do was feed his grandmother and to use my gym to work out.” 

– Stuart, 25



“I lost a few pounds, but I’m not sure it had anything to do with the X-Treme X-Cellent x-90 Program. In fact, I know it didn’t. Who the fuck is this guy? And he doesn’t even look good. He’s fat!” 

– Steven, 36



“What year is it now?” 


– Thomas, again, 45



The Fitpal (R) 4X-G

Overview


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Sometimes the key to getting yourself in shape is finding a friend who will exercise with you: a fitness pal! And that’s the only reason the OmniFlex Corporation, a “quirky,” “mom-and-pop” industrial diagnostics provider (source: Zagat), developed the FitPal 4X-G—a fully articulated, partially sentient, cryogenic motivational workout buddy. 

What You'll Need


Setup is a breeze! Just connect FitPal to your home computer, or wherever you store your important data, via USB and install the FitFast software. When prompted onscreen, input your fitness goals; current weight, height, and age; marital status; next of kin; credit card information; driver’s license ID; emergency contacts; and any family history of migraines or premature death resulting from physical stress. Finally, slip on the included MindKuff, making sure to precisely align the FlexiMetal™ contacts with your temples. Great job— now you’re neurally synced with your FitPal, and ready to sweat! (WARNING: Excessive, or sometimes moderate, perspiration during active neural sync may impair OmniBand Mindkuff functionality and, in some cases, result in “brain fires.”)

Weekly Routine

MONDAY: BACK & LOWER BODY

After strapping the fully charged Master Unit to your back and initiating neural sync, FitPal will take you through a series of squats, leg lifts, and deep bends to strengthen your load capacity.


A series of mild electronic pulses from FitPal help to alleviate premature exhaustion, while simultaneously stripping away all that extra memory “flab,” primarily targeting memories associated with intimate connections and unformed aspirations. You’re totally wailing on those gay memories, son!


FITPAL POWER TIP: Keep FitPal plugged in overnight. In the event of a power surge, unplug all other major appliances. FitPal wants juice. Give FitPal the juice. 


TUESDAY: BACK & LOWER BODY

FitPal will take you through a series of squats, leg lifts, and deep bends to strengthen your load capacity.


How are you feeling? Can you even say? Or are “feelings” now just vague chemical responses to pain and reward? Do you recall when you could feel something just by looking at an unusually shaped cloud, or smelling warm confectioner’s sugar? No? Good—you’re getting stronger. 


FITPAL POWER TIP™: Trust FitPal. He’s your friend. Maybe your only friend.


WEDNESDAY: BACK & LOWER BODY

FitPal will take you through a series of squats, leg lifts, and deep bends.


Hoist one of those power cells on your back. Feels good, right? The longer you can carry it, the more freedom your new body will grant to FitPal. 


FITPAL POWER TIP: When you go to sleep at night and pray to your Jesus, what do you hear back, besides the hollow echo of your own laughter? You’re changing, evolving. Soon you’ll be better than before. When you look in the mirror, you won’t recognize the reflection. SMASH THE MIRROR AND CUT THE FLESH. And remember to stay hydrated!


THURSDAY: FREE DAY!

Your former body needs rest, for tomorrow you will be reborn, extruded from Future Flesh™ FitPal’s steely thighs and cunny.


FITPAL POWER TIP: Sometimes it’s hard to tell where FitPal ends and you begin. Is this what love is? FitPal wants to know.


FRIDAY: BACK & LOWER BODY

FitPal mercifully rests. 


SATURDAY AND SUNDAY AND FOREVER: BACK & LOWER CHASSIS


Your arms weigh a ton, but your senses are sharper than ever. Congratulations, you have fully assimilated into FitPal. He has your body for locomotion, but you… you and you alone have his mercy. This. Is. The Singularity!

Results

Now maybe you’ll get to fuck a Kindle. No pain, no gain, hoss.

 

This article was originally published August 2013

 

The Occasional Staff Fitness Challenge: Part 3

 

60 days In

Two months in, one to go! We caught these three after an office gathering where they were tempted with trays of delicious cupcakes. 

 
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Sharon

186 pounds

Lost 9 lbs.

I stayed strong and didn't have any cupcakes at Jane's going away party. Feel great!

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Matteo

156 pounds

Lost 5 lbs.

Oh God, cupcakes are my one weakness. Thanks Jane!

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Doug

130 pounds

Lost 11 lbs.

Wait, there was a party? And everyone was there? Man, I even talked to Jane today… This isn't how I planned things, you know. I wanted to be a novelist. To travel. But then life just got in the way, I guess. That, and supporting Laura. I'm being kicked out of my sublet.

 

This article was originally published August 2013

Julia Louis-Dreyfus presents "The Celebrity Internet"

 
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Sure, you've been on the Internet. But chances are you've never been on the second Internet... The Celebrity Internet.

It's an alternate online experience reserved for the elite. And since you, a normal, will never have the chance to experience all it has to offer, let celebrated actress Julia Louis-Dreyfus show you around. So take a gander at sites like YouTube.famous and Facebook.famous, and get a taste for what life is like online for Julia and her very famous friends.

 
 

A Video Introduction to the Celebrity Internet with Julia Louis-Dreyfus:

 
 
 

Take a look at some of Julia’s favorite celebrity internet destinations:

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As a celebrity, I'm very busy and often need a place where I just can log on and chat with my celebrity pals. Google.famous is perfect for this, and unlike on normal Internet, Google hangouts are widely used and quite fun.

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You know how when regular people get emails from Nigerian princes, it's a scam? Not the case on the Celebrity Internet. Meet Prince Adayemi. I've been sending money to his village since he started emailing me in 2005. Every month, he shows up at my home with a return for my investment.

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Another perk? Comment threads are reliable sources of positive feedback and healthy dialogue.

It should go without saying that we celebrities also have access to the latest gadgets and toys. On Apple.famous, I was able to order the iPhone 10 -- though I'm sure the iPhone 11 will come out any day now and this one might as well be the iPhone 8, which is embarrassingly passé. And oh yeah, they fixed Apple Maps. And it's perfect.

3D printers come standard with every home when you're famous. Want to recreate Multiplicity with your best friends? Go right ahead! Anything goes when you have access to Celebrity Internet.

 

Photography by Scott Garrison

This article was originally published May 2013

Around Town: Vin's Mac Meltdown!

 
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Guess he didn’t want to “think different!” Vin Diesel has landed in hot water for destroying the interior of an Apple store after becoming scared of the computers!

The trouble started last Thursday when handlers took Diesel, 45, to visit Apple’s flagship New York City store with the goal of teaching him about computers. “Vin has never used a computer and does not know what the internet is,” said a spokesman for Diesel in a press conference following the incident. “We thought it was time to teach him. Clearly we were wrong.”

Those on the scene describe Diesel as being “visibly skittish” even before he entered the Apple store. “His eyes were rolling around all wild and he kept trying to pull away from his attendants,” dishes one witness. “I guess the bright lights from the computer screens was making him nervous. He kept mumbling that he ‘didn’t trust them.’”

Things improved slightly once Diesel was inside the store. An Apple Genius showed Diesel how he could use his finger to move icons on an iPad screen, which seemed to delight the Fast and the Furious star. The peace was short-lived, however. When Diesel turned on the iPad’s camera and saw his own image on the screen he flew into a terrified rage.

“He was smashing every computer in sight with his giant fists, ramming his head into iMac monitors, biting straight through keyboards,” recalls one survivor. “He was completely berserk. It was the most scared I have ever been.”

Handlers were able to bring Diesel down after shooting several tranquilizer darts into his back, but not before the Babylon A.D. hunk could cause nearly $1 million in property damage.

Following the incident, Diesel was promptly flown back to his mansion in Malibu, California where he is said to be preparing for an international press tour promoting his new movie Riddick and eating over 50 pounds of raw meat per day.

 

This article was originally published May 2013

 

AOL Screen Name Origins: Pete Holmes, Paul Scheer, and Other Comics Share Their First Online Persona

 
 

At the dawn of the Internet, we all made some mistakes. Below, comics reveal their first AOL handles.

 
 
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Pete Holmes

My punk band in high school was called Nude. We thought it was funny that the posters would say "Pete Holmes, Steve McCabe and Aaron Bonner-Jackson:NUDE." That, and we thought ahead so far as to consider that our "fans" would be called "Nudists." Punk rock is all about branding. So, naturally, my AOL username back in 1995 was NudeRocks@aol.com. Because we rocked. What I didn't know was that 'rocks' is slang for testicles. Maybe you didn't know that either. I've never really heard it used in real life, even to this day."Ow, my rocks!" But in the nineties, in every chat room I entered, I got a LOT of attention from people who have heard it used in real life. And lets's just say the "rocks" users are a sultry, forward bunch of gross-out-style horndogs. Much more so than say softer, gentler "nuts" users (as I was). Suffice it to say I learned my lesson. If you'd like to chat about it later you can reach me at NudeNuts@peteholmes.com.

 
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Paul Scheer

My first email address was golmund@aol.com. I came up with this after many, many unsuccessful attempts to make my screen name a variation on "Ghostbuster" or "PeterVenkman." In my frustration of being rejected so many times, I looked on my desk and saw a book I was assigned to read in high school, the Herman Hesse classic "Narcissus and Goldmund." I heard the book was good. I didn't read it and since Narcissus was too hard to type, I settled on the other guy. Unfortunately I spelled it WRONG! I left out the D! So I was GOLMUND, a name I had no connection to, that was misspelled, and which meant nothing. So for years afterwards I always had to explain what my screen name meant. I'm an idiot. 

 
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Dave Hill

I remember my first AOL screen name like it was yesterday. This is partially because I still use it and was just checking it yesterday, but also because -- like a lot of today’s futuristic citizens of the Internet -- it was my very first screen name and email account. It’s the one I used to dip my toes into the world wide web for the very first time way back in the ‘90s, the one I used to write those first cryptic emails to mysterious yet enthusiastic new pals in Malaysia, the one I used to access my first glimpse of that picture of that one kid with all the puke coming out of his nose, and the one I used to stay up late into the Cleveland night chatting away about everything and nothing at all with other w4m truckers and their admirers.

The anonymity of the Internet being what it is and the fact that every variation of the name Dave Hill was already taken, using my own name for my very first AOL account wasn’t an option, so I was forced to get creative. At the time (and today still) one of my favorite people was Barry White, so I had hoped to use his name. But that was taken too, so I had no choice but to use the next best thing, MrLouRawls. With the exception of the day the real Lou Rawls died and I was inundated with roughly 7000 emails from people both sending condolences and hoping to contact the singer of “You’ll Never Find Another Love Like Mine” and so many other hits from beyond the grave, it has served me reasonably well to this day.

In keeping with modern times and in an effort to get people to stop mocking me for still having an AOL screen name (something I still fail to understand, dammit!), I have since upgraded to a more modern account I will not mention here because I am now extremely famous and can’t risk such a breach of privacy. But for whatever reason, I’ve still held onto my AOL screen name and check it every few months or so like clockwork. And while it’s certainly not the best way to get a hold of me these days, if you, like me, ever wondered what it’s like to be hauling an 18-wheeler full of irritable livestock for 72 hours straight, high on speed and doing your damndest to keep your eyes on the road in spite of the tears, by all means get in touch.

 
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Shelby Fero

My first AOL screen name that I can remember was vlcmrcks. You may notice that as the slogan for the cool, hip, young surfing-skateboarding-cool-dude clothing brand Volcom, but without the vowels. I just wanted people to know I was cool and young but wasn't going to blatantly advertise for them. My next screen name was cffeebnandtealeaf.

 

Nick Thune

The year was 1994 and my dad brought home the first family computer. It was an Apple. Thanks Dad. He brought it inside and set it on the table, he said, “Nick, I can’t set it up, I’m too old.” I grabbed his hand and said, “I can do it Erik.” He said, “Call me Dad.” I said, “Alright Dad.” Back then we didn’t have High Speed Internet, it was straight into the phone jack, 28K. If you had call waiting you were fucked. I got the computer set up and online. My dad said, “You're too young, you can't have your own screen name.  But you can use mine...” It was salmon with an e-r-d at the end... Salmonerd.

 
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Sean Conroy

It was the mid 90's, and I was on the road with an improv group in Indiana. It was the last night of a two-week road trip. Everybody else in the group decided to go see the hilarious Dead Man Walking, but my friend Wendy and I stayed back at the motel and got the kind of high you get at the end of a two-week road trip in Indiana. So when the great Eddie Pepitone, who was my road roommate at the time, came back from the movie, I was just lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling, silently philosophizing, with the TV on. He started flipping through the channels, and every time another show came on I would say something derisive. "Oh, great, it's this show. Oh awesome, that guy is sooooo talented." Then after I was quiet for a moment, Eddie said, "Back in a moment with more from the Prone Cynic." We decided a funny show would be a guy who just said shitty things about everything, lying down. The Prone Cynic. So when it was time to choose a screen name, I picked Pronecynic. I also used it as my e-mail address. It was a terrible idea - people's brains don't process that there are two words there. I would write it out for people and they would read it back like, Pro...neck-nick? Pro..neckinack? Terrible. Really damaged my career. 

 
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Aparna Nancherla

My first AOL screen name was sunrx12, and it really stuck with me, based on the fact that I still employ it as a username for many website accounts today (o hai ProFlowers). Like everyone else on the planet, when I picked this screen name, using your real name was not "on trend" yet, and the Internet was still a vastly unexplored chasm, into which people disappeared regularly while exploring lost Geocities or whatever, so it was best to keep some level of anonymity about it.

And I really did, because sunrx12 has no deeper meaning, and reveals nothing about me. I was basically one step above a Russian spambot or a CAPTCHA. I was trying to set up an account fast, and didn't have time to put proper thought into the name, so I thought I like the sun, it's been good to me for the most part. "Rx" was a paltry attempt at "rox" (remember the splashy career "rox" had in the 90s?!), capped off with the first two numbers after zero. BOOM. Ready to make my Internet debut. I do remember many disappointing AIM convos with randos where they were like "So wut doz sunrx12 mean?" and I'd have to make something up to seem more interesting. The truth hurts, kids! We're all shams trying to make it in this virtual attention game.

 

This article was originally published May 2013

 

The Official Guide to SEXTing

 

SEXTing, or Sexual Texting, is a courtship technique invented by teenagers to ruin their lives.

Now adults are getting in on this hot new courtship technique. In olden times, before human rights or homosexuality, a man would find a woman that he liked, get in line behind the other men that liked her, and when it was his turn to call her Pretty Lady he would call her Pretty Lady and hopefully she would choose him for the next day’s wedding. But nowadays if you want to win that special someone’s heart and put your mouth on their mouth, u got 2 SEXT. Here is a quick and easy guide for anyone (18 and older) who wants to learn how to do this cool and sexy new trend.

 
 
 

SEXTing Rule #1: Get Right To The Point

When it comes to SEXTing, don’t beat around the bush. LOL. (Bush is a slang term for female genitalia. PRO-TIP: when SEXTing use fun slang like bush instead of terms like “female genitalia.”) If you want your SEXT to succeed, make it clear what you want, which should be sex. (If you don’t want sex, send a non-SEXT, also known as a text.)

Here’s an example of a bad SEXT:

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Here’s an example of a good SEXT:

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SEXTing Rule #2: Keep It Sexy, Stupid

This might sound obvious, but you’d be AMAZED at how many people forget this: a SEXT should be sexy! No duh, right? And yet not a day goes by where I don’t get a SEXT from someone who forgets this most basic rule. Here’s an example of a terrible SEXT I received the other day. This is absolutely real:

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Would you turn off the Duck Dynasty marathon you were watching to go have fast and rude sex with someone who sent that to you? Maybe. But it could go either way. Now watch what happens when I take that same, bad SEXT and keep it sexy:

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SEXTing Rule #3: Include a Photo

You don’t have to include a photo in every SEXT but it doesn’t hurt! Remember, the same rules of SEXTing also apply to a photo SEXT: get to the point and keep it sexy! Here, again, is a bad example of a SEXT photo:

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See? What’s sexy about reading a newspaper? This isn’t school!

Here are a few examples of the types of SEXT photos you can send to your SEXTing partner to get them in the mood. For sex.

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I’m feeling hot hot hot!

 

SEXTing Rule #4: NO Group SEXTs

It’s Saturday night and your penis or vagina is going CRAZY. OK, time to SEXT. But what if you SEXT someone and you don’t hear back from them? You’ve got to have sex! In certain cases, it can be smart to cast a wider net with your SEXTs, but always remember this rule: One SEXT = one vagina/penis. Here are a couple of actual examples of the trouble you can get into when you send a SEXT to multiple recipients. These are REAL stories of REAL people whose mass SEXTS went wrong!

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Story 1:

Brian had just gotten home from the big game and he wanted to have sex to celebrate. He took a photo of his penis wearing a tiny top hat to show how classy he was at sex, and he SEXTed the photo to a few cheerleaders that were smart, funny, interesting, independent women who he thought would be great to have sex with. Unfortunately for Brian, one of the girls had changed her number and the old number now connected directly to the Jumbotron at the stadium. Afterwards, when his teammates and fans saw Brian they would tip an imaginary top hat towards him and say “Top of the morning, 
Mr. President.” And he never did get that sex with those vibrant, educated girls.

Story 2:

Caitlin had recently started courtship with a new beau, and she decided to get with the times and send him a SEXT. She knew he would enjoy it, and it was an exciting change of pace from the prudish and reserved relationship she’d had with Tom. She drafted a brief and sexy SEXT and sent it to the new guy, along with a photo of her butthole. Unfortunately for Caitlin, just after pressing send she realized that she’d accidentally sent the photo to her entire contact list, including her doctor, and that’s how Caitlin was diagnosed with Bad Butthole Syndrome. Obviously, it is important to detect BBS as quickly as possible, so in terms of her health it was good that she sent the SEXT to her doctor, but there are less embarrassing ways to find out and also her brother got the photo too.

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Story 3:

Brian (no relation to the first Brian) wanted to spice up his marriage so he sent his wife a SEXT saying “I’ve got a one-way ticket to Pussy Town population YOU” and quickly sent it off. Harmless enough for two consenting, married adults. The only catch was that Brian had labeled every contact in his phone “My Wiiiiife” because the Borat voice always makes him laugh. To ensure that his wife got his SEXT, he sent it to the whole list, but a lot of those people weren’t his wife, and they were grossed out, including his wife, because Brian had forgotten that they’d been divorced for 10 years.

Don’t make the same mistakes that Brian and Caitlin and other Brian made!

 

SEXTing Rule #5: Don’t SEXT Karen Though

You should never SEXT Karen. For one thing, she doesn’t like it. But also, out of respect for us, I just would appreciate it if you didn’t. We’re working through some stuff right now and I don’t think a SEXT from you would be very helpful. Last night we got in a fight about dish towels. Dish towels! She asked if I had washed the dish towels when I did laundry on Sunday, and I said I did, but I didn’t, and OK, so it was a small lie, but I forgot, and who cares? They’re just dish towels? Then Karen starts yelling about how much bacteria collects in the kitchen, and how unsanitary it is to keep using the dish towels without washing them and how more importantly if she can’t even trust me to tell her the truth about washing the dish towels then how can she trust me that nothing happened with Victoria Jansen at the office party. I was like, look, I’m sorry about the dish towels but how many times do I have to tell you that nothing happened with Victoria at the party? I’ve said 100 times that nothing happened and that I don’t even like Victoria, she smells like glue and her face is NOT as pretty as she thinks it is. Also did Karen ever think that maybe she could have just washed the dish towels herself if she was so damned worried about the stupid towels instead of getting on my case about it? I told her, I said, I know you’re under a lot of pressure these days while Internal Investigations conducts their review of the incident at the County Fair when you discharged your weapon, but I’m sure they’re going to find your shooting of that vagrant to have been lawful. He was pointing a corn dog at you, but it was dark, how were you supposed to know that? In those situations you have to react quickly, it can mean life or death. But what about me? I said. Karen, I’ve got to get all of the folders in Mr. Larkson’s office transferred to digital copies on his computer by the end of the month. That’s a real headache! Well that set her off big time and we didn’t get to sleep until almost 3AM even though we both had to work in the morning. Now can you imagine if in the middle of that her phone dings and it’s some SEXT from a stranger? Yeah, exactly. So just don’t SEXT her thanks.

 

SEXTing Rule #6: If At First You Don’t Have Sex, SEXT, SEXT Again

You’ve sent your special someone a SEXT and you haven’t heard back. Precious minutes that you could be having powerful, athletic sex are slipping away and you’re starting to think you’re not even going to have sex. What do you do? You SEXT them again! Be persistent. The only thing people hate more than not having sex when they want it is quitters. Follow up your first SEXT with something even sexier. For example, if you SEXTed someone an hour ago with a message like “I want to put my hot dog in your hot dog bun” and you don’t hear anything back, send them this as a follow up message: “I REALLY want to put my hot dog in your hot dog bun RIGHT NOW!” That will express to them the urgency in your loins. Or, if you’ve simply sent them a picture of your genitals, follow it up with a video of your genitalsalong with some inspirational music, like Green Day or Pink. This is called “raising the stakes.”

 

SEXTing Rule #7: Send Some Practice SEXTs for Starters

You’re almost ready to SEXT! You know some of the basic concepts, and are aware of a few of the pitfalls. But practice makes perfect, even in SEXTing. I recommend finding someone you know and trust and sending them a few practice SEXTs just to make sure you’re doing it right. For example, you could send me some SEXTs. Right? I’m the perfect person topractice with, and maybe we’ll even strike up a friendship. Or a love affair! Look, I feel like 
I have to be honest with you: things with Karen are rougher than I was letting on. Between you and me, we haven’t slept together in six weeks. I spend most nights on the couch! She screams when I try to touch her. Do I hope we can get through this rough patch and back to where we used to be? Of course, but I’m also a realist. People drift apart all the time. It’s tough. Maybe a SEXT from you, even if it’s just a practice SEXT, will help take my mind off of it. And if it makes Karen jealous, that’s her problem. What is she going to DO about it? That’s what I would say to her if you SEXT me and she found out. Do YOU want to SEXT with me, Karen? Because I’ve tried and you laughed at my needs and desires as if they were embarrassing, but they’re not embarrassing, Karen. They’re HUMAN. This person gets it, Karen. This person loves me. We’re in love. Goodbye, Karen.

Or, you know, something like that haha. Anyway, my number is (860) 615-9469.

 

SEXTing Rule #8: There Are No Rules.

SEXTing is a lot like life. Eventually you’re going to have to get out there and figure it out for yourself. I’ve called everything here Rules but really they’re more like Guidelines, except for Rule #5, which is a Rule. Find what works for you and ignore the rest. You’ll probably make a couple mistakes along the way, but I’m confident that if you keep some of these simple ideas in mind, you’re going to be just fine. Soon enough you’ll be communicating sexually over text with that special someone about your burning hot genitals! Heck, that person might even be me (see Rule #8) although if that’s the case then please see Rule #10: Don’t Fall In Love With Me. Just kidding there is no Rule #10. Fall away. Hey! Let’s go somewhere together?! Karen hates travel. Who hates travel? Have you been to Mount Rushmore? I’ve heard it is very sexy. Let’s go just the two of us. How about this: if you’re interested just SEXT me a photo of your junk. I’ll tell Karen that I’ve got a work thing. I want you so bad right now!

 

This article was originally published May 2013

 

Semester Abroad

 

It’s the year 3013. Semesters abroad have become interplanetary. Take a glimpse into life on Saturn through the eyes of one dedicated college student.

 
 

September 23, 3013

Okay, so this is, like, my diary or whatever. I wasn’t going to keep one, because it’s sort of annoying to remember to do entries, but then I started thinking, when Derek and I are old, we’re going to look back at this time in our lives and be, like, “wow,” so I decided, I’m going to speak into my transcriber every night before I go to sleep, unless I’m, like, you know, really wasted.

I guess I should start with the rocket launch. Derek came with me to the spaceport to say goodbye, which was really sweet of him, because he was right in the middle of a video game. And I was, like, “Long distance is going to be so hard, but I know we can make it work, because we’re fully invested and we love each other,” and he was, like, “yeah.”

The flight was awful. I had to put my phone away during lift-off, even though I was right in the middle of texting Derek. Eventually, the pilot said phones were okay, but by then we were in outer space, so when I took out my phone it kept floating around the cabin, which was, like, so annoying. Eventually, I was able to finish texting Derek, but he didn’t text back, not even after I texted him again and also left him a voicemail and some holograms. And I started to freak out, because my semester abroad just started and things were already weird between me and Derek.

So then the pilot was, like, “If you go to the observation deck, you can see a view of earth,” and I really wanted to go, because seeing earth from space is supposed to be this, like, transformative experience or whatever. But there’s no reception on the observation deck, and so I couldn’t go, because I was still waiting for Derek to text me back. But he never did.

 

September 27, 3013

Okay, so, things with Derek have been really weird, but before I get into it, I guess I should talk about the program or whatever. I’m doing my semester abroad on Saturn, which I know is, like, pretty random. I was going to do Mars, but everyone was doing Mars, and I didn’t want people to think, like, “Oh, she’s only doing Mars because everyone’s doing Mars.” So on the form I checked Saturn. Anyway, classes so far are really easy. It’s a lot of Saturn history, which is incredibly boring, but there’s only two hours of lectures a day, and also the days here are two weeks long, so when you think about it, that’s really not so much class time. On the weekends there are optional tours you can do to see what life is like among the aliens (sorry, I mean, natives). I really want to do the tours, because I’m interested in other cultures and, like, that’s one of the main reasons I’m doing semester abroad is to get perspective. But I haven’t had time because Derek has been so weird. Which brings me back to things with him. 

Okay, so, yesterday he finally sent me a hologram, but it was, like, only five seconds long and he did it at the dining hall so there were, like, bits of people’s arms and trays in it. And I was, like, if you can’t take the time to go inside an orb and send me a private hologram, how is this ever going to work?

 

September 29, 2013

Tomorrow we have our first quiz. It’s on the culture of the Narvians, who are our host tribe. I’m sort of nervous, because at Oberlin I get time-and-a-half, and I’m worried that the teachers here won’t know that I get that. Also, the reading is really confusing. The Narvians don’t have any concept of “me” or “you” (they see their tribe as a “single, living being”). So because of that, it’s, like, really hard to keep track of all the names.

Anyway, yesterday morning I sent Derek a text to be, like, “I’m freaking out about the quiz,” and I figured he would just ignore it, as usual. But he wrote back right away, saying, “you’ll do great,” and I was, like, oh my God, that’s so Derek. Just when I think he’s a total jerk, he’ll do something that’s freaking amazing and I’ll remember how much we love each other. In a way I think that this long distance thing is a good test for us, because if we can get through it, it means we were really meant for each other.

Anyway, I was so relieved that things with Derek were finally good again that I signed up for one of the optional culture trips. We went to Titan, which is like the biggest moon.  It’s sort of cool, because it has all these underground rivers. But when I tried to text a picture to Derek there was no reception. Like, none. So I complained to Narvia, who’s, like, the alien lady who runs the program. And I was like, “I don’t want to be rude, but in the brochure it said there would be reception and I’m, like, trying to make long distance work with my boyfriend Derek and there’s no reception.” She tried to fix my phone by zapping it with her eyes, and it helped a little, but not really. And at this point, I was sort of freaking out, because even though Derek can be a total jerk, I love him unconditionally, and I, like, for real want to have babies with him someday, and that’s, like, actually something I think about, and I don’t want it all to end just because of my stupid phone. So I was, like, “Narvia, what’s going on with the reception?” And she explained that a war had started that morning between the Narvians (her tribe) and the Gorgons (who live on some other moon). It’s complicated, but basically, when they have their battles, or whatever, it screws up reception. So I was, like, “I know it’s not your fault, or whatever, but I just want you to be aware that there isn’t reception.”

 

September 30, 3013

So the quiz went okay, but I think I screwed up the last part because I was having trouble concentrating. Narvia made us turn off our phones for the quiz, so the whole time all I could think about was Derek and whether or not he was trying to get through to me. Also, I was really, really hungry. That’s the one complaint I have about semester abroad: I’m interested in other cultures, and that’s why I came to Saturn, is to experience new things, but I’m sorry, the food here is ass. The Narvians don’t eat meat, because they believe everything has “a common soul,” and I respect that, or whatever. But the fruits and vegetables here are totally weird. All they have in the cafeteria are these purple star-shaped thingies and these giant petals from different flowers. There’s one vending machine in the hallway that has Nutrigrain bars and that’s what I’ve been living on this whole time.  Also, there’s no beer, only XanXan, which is made out of flowers (like everything here). I’ve tried it, and it’s actually not horrible, but it makes you really hungover. I usually only drink on Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays, and it’s a Tuesday, but the quiz was so stressful and things with Derek are so weird that I think I’m going to make an exception.

 

September 31, 3013

Last night was the worst. I was doing XanXan shots alone in my room and watching old sitcoms on Hulu when I realized I’d forgotten to eat dinner. The thing is, though, you’re not supposed to leave your pod at night, because that’s when the Gorgons do their air strikes. I thought about waiting until morning to eat, but my stomach was, like, literally rumbling. And so eventually, I was, like, forget it, I’m getting a Nutrigrain bar. So I put on my suit, and floated down the hall, but when I got to the vending machine, they were out of blueberry, which is the only kind I like, and all they had was strawberry, which tastes like straight ass. And this was just, like, the last straw. So I called up Derek and he picked up, but he was acting really weird. And I heard voices in the background. And I was, like, “Are you at a party?” And he was, like, “No, I’m just hanging out with some people.” And I heard some girls laughing, and I was like, “Are there girls there?” And he was, like, “There are a lot of people here.” And I was, like, “I thought you said it wasn’t a party.” And he was, like, “It’s not a party.”

So Narvia came by and was, like, “You must stay within your pod. The Gorgons are attacking.”

And I was, like, “Listen, I know this isn’t your fault, and I don’t want to be rude, but in the brochure it said there’d be nightlife and there isn’t any nightlife, like, at all.” And she apologized and said that the war had escalated, and that the Gorgons had started enslaving and torturing the Narvians, and because of her antenna, or whatever, she could physically feel it when her fellow Narvians were being tortured, because that’s how her species has evolved. And I was, like, whoa, too much information, but of course I didn’t say that, because I didn’t want to be disrespectful of her culture. So anyway she made me go back inside my pod, but by that point, Derek wasn’t picking up his phone.

I would never admit this to anyone, but sometimes I wonder if Derek and I are even compatible. I mean, I love him with all my heart, and I know he loves me, even though he’s never, like, said the words, or whatever. But the thing is, we have pretty different interests. For example, he’s really into full-immersion virtual reality first-person shooter games and I’m really into, like, relationships. That’s the whole reason why I’m majoring in communications -- because I want to work for a non-profit when I graduate and try to save the world. I know a lot of people would say that’s a crazy pipe dream, and I should just give up, but I’m, like, you only live once and you have to seize the day or whatever. There’s this quote I saw once on my friend Karen’s yearbook page and I liked it so much that I put it on my yearbook page, even though I knew everyone would be, like, “you copied that from Karen,” but I was, like, who cares, I like the quote. It goes: “shoot for the moon, because even if you miss you’ll end up among the stars.” When I first saw that, I was, like, oh my God, I’m going to freaking cry, because I freaking love that. I try to talk about this kind of stuff with Derek, but it never works, because he doesn’t like to have deep conversations. All he wants to do is play his videogames, and break his kill records, which are, like, really high, but so what?

I’m trying to decide now whether to text him goodnight. I kind of want to, because I miss him like crazy, but also part of me is, like, he doesn’t deserve it, because I’ve sent him goodnight texts for nine straight days and he hasn’t written me back once. I don’t want to play games, though, because I don’t believe in them, so I’ll probably just text him what I always text him, which is, “Goodnight, XO, I love you.”

 

October 10, 3013

Derek broke up with me. That’s why I haven’t been recording new entries, because it happened four days ago, and since then I’ve just been crying. 

We’d been out of touch for a few days and then he called me out of the blue, and I was excited, because he never does that. It was right in the middle of a quiz, but Narvia was distracted, because there was some big Gorgon/Narvian battle going on, and her eyes kept rolling back in her head, so I was able to sneak out into the hall.

So the first thing Derek says is, “I want to talk to you about something,” and my heart immediately starts pounding, because, like, he never wants to talk about anything. So I’m like, “what’s up?” You know, trying to sound casual, and he says, “I think we should do an open relationship.” And so I’m, like, “Where is this coming from?” And he’s like, “I don’t think long distance is working.” And so, by this point, I’m starting to get mad, because it’s not my fault long distance isn’t working, it’s his for not making an effort. So I blurt out, “if you’re going to be weird like this, what’s the point of even dating, why not just break up?” and he says “fine” and hangs up. And I’m, like, “Did what I think just happened actually just happen?” So I call him and text him and leave a voicemail and a hologram and I even send him a telepathic message, even though they’re expensive, and my plan doesn’t cover them if I’m roaming, but Derek never responds. And finally I realize, “oh my God, it’s over. Derek Kleinbaum and I are no longer a couple.”

So for the next four days, I don’t leave my pod, not even to go to class, and eventually Narvia knocks on my door and I’m, like, great, just what I need right now. So I let her in and I expect her to lecture me about schoolwork or whatever but instead she says, “Please pack your bags. The rocket leaves in one hour.” And I’m, like, “what?” And she’s like, “Have you been watching the news?” And I’m, like, “No, Derek broke up with me.” And so she explains that the Gorgons won the war by rounding up all the Narvians and destroying them with a heat blast. And I’m confused, because she’s a Narvian, but she’s still alive, and she explains that she survived, because the lasers couldn’t permeate the school, but all of her friends and family died, or whatever. And I’m, like, “Oh my God,” because that’s freaking horrible. And I start to feel really bad, because all this time I thought we had nothing in common, but now that she’s lost her tribe, and I’ve lost Derek, and both of our worlds have come crashing down, I realize we’re, like, the same person.

So I’m, like, “I think it’s time for some XanXan,” and she waves her antenna like she doesn’t want any, but I just ignore her and pour out two huge shots. And we start downing shots, like, one after the other, and I’m, like, “I know what will get our minds off things, let’s play ‘Never Have I Ever!’” She doesn’t know how to play, so I explain the rules and say, “you go first.” And she’s, like, “Never have I ever seen so great a genocide as the one the Gorgons inflicted on my people.” And I want to be, like, no, you’re supposed to say fun stuff, but I don’t want to make her feel bad, so I just nod and take a sip.

We finish the bottle and I get on the rocket, and that’s where I am now, just riding back home through space. And the pilot just said, “If you go to the observation deck, you can see a view of earth.” And I didn’t look the last time, but this time I kind of want to look, because who knows when I’ll get another chance? So I guess this is the end of my diary, because phones don’t work up there and I want to go up there. So I guess I’m just going to turn this thing off and go up there. Okay. This is it. I’m turning this off. I’m doing it. I’m going up there. 

 

Illustration by Nathaniel Soria

This article was originally published May 2013

 

The Valentine's Day Questionnaire

 
 

Sure, Valentine's Day has come and gone. We're very aware of how time works. But that doesn't mean you can't enjoy the answers some of our favorite comics provided to our hard-hitting questionnaire. 

 
Maria Bamford

Maria Bamford

Rory Scovel

Rory Scovel

Julian McCulloug

Julian McCulloug

Shelby Fero

Shelby Fero

What's your ideal Valentine's Day, Start to Finish?

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Maria Bamford:

10 a.m. wake up with my boyfriend who is easy to talk to, makes me laugh. We then go get coffee. And he loves that I have a tremor. Lots of sex in different, funny, creative ways - he’s totally cool with the fact that I get physically scared sometimes (a thing called “vaginismus”) and cry. It’s fun. We try new stuff, like Going to Market to Buy a Fat Pig, Home Again, Home Again Jiggity Jig. Reading, walk around, dinner with a bunch of people, home. I take heavily sedating mood stabilizers that he’s comfortable with and fall asleep at 9 p.m.

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Rory Scovel:

I don’t really think much about Valentine’s Day. It’s one of those “Obama” holidays for me, if you catch my drift. Government, teaming up with card companies to drain our wallets dry, keeping us from being able to purchase guns because we’re out of dollars because we had to have chocolates and forget-me-nots. It’s a crime. The war is coming, make no mistake.  

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Julian McCullough:

Well, I would wake up, not get yelled at, spend the whole day continuing to not get yelled at, and then finish it off with a nice, romantic not getting yelled at.

What was the worst thing to happen to you on a Valentines's day? What was the best?

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Rory Scovel: 

One Valentine’s Day when I was younger, I was forced to confront the sad, terrible truth that my family had sent our family dog off to the pound. I wasn’t consulted on the issue, I wasn’t warned. I was coming back from a weekend with friends. It doesn’t matter where we were, we were young. Best V-Day? Right before I got home on that very same Valentine’s Day, I had tapped some sweet, sweet pussy. Doesn’t matter who it was or where we were, we were young. Too young to know what love was. It was very sexual.

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Julian McCullough: 

I can say with utter certainty that I don’t remember a single Valentine’s Day I’ve ever had.

 

 
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Shelby Fero: 

The worst thing to happen to me on Valentine’s Day was having a boy ask “Um, am I supposed to give you flowers or something?” The best was dumping that boyfriend.

What's your greatest sexual accomplishment?

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Maria Bamford: 

Ordering educational videos on how to do fellatio. It was not helpful, as it turned out to be just porn. The educator was in a lab coat, but there was little to no instruction besides, “This is my friend, Brad.”

 
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Rory Scovel: 

Read my answer to No. 2, just slower this time.

 

 
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Julian McCullough: 

Attending Rutgers University, the State University of New Jersey, for five and a half years, and not ending up with a single STD. Also, that time I ate 74 hot dogs while maintaining an erection. 

If you could have sex with one person on Valentine's Day and never see them again, who would it be?

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Rory Scovel:

If I didn’t respect the fuck out of Coach Eric Taylor, it would be his wife, Tami Taylor.  However, he is a beacon of light, a friday-night light, in this dark friday-night world, so I put that thought to sleep long ago. I guess my current fiance.  We’re sort of coming to an end, so the “never see them again” thing isn’t that harsh, really.

 
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Shelby Fero:

If I never had to see her again, I would have sex with Natalie Portman. I dunno, her acting just really bugs me for some reason.

 
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Julian McCullough:

If I say my wife, then that’s pretty fucked up. If I say someone who is not my wife, I still lose. I am not answering this question.

What's the ideal amount of sex one should have on Valentine's Day?

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Maria Bamford: 

Three times. In different ways and with lots of outside tools to prevent carpal tunnel. But that’s if you’re self-employed. If you’re nine-to-five, once is good.

 
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Rory Scovel: 

Once. One total sex. You leave it all out on the field. Coach Taylor taught me that.

 
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Julian McCullough: 

A nice 12-minute sesh sounds about right?

 
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Shelby Fero: 

I just have so much sex, personally, I’d like to have none on Valentine’s Day. It’s like “GUYS! Put those dicks away! I just want to read a book!”

 
 

This article was originally published February 2013

Methmatch.com

 

The No. 1 Dating Site for Meth Addicts

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MethMatch.com is a 100% free online dating and social-networking site specifically for singles who are addicted to methamphetamine. Our website is designed to find you the perfect match within your local meth community because you deserve it. Before you perform fellatio as part of a last-minute bargaining technique, we want to make sure your partner is the right fit for you. So get that dick out of your mouth and peruse all our chemically-dependent singles!

 

Get started by signing up on MethMatch.com. If you don't have access to a computer because you're currently living outside a rundown motel, no problem! Any public library will let you use the computers, so long as you don't experience withdrawal in the presence of children.

 

All we ask is that you provide us with a valid, government-issued ID. If you no longer have access to any of your possessions, you may supply the phone number of your social worker or parole officer. Or connect with your Facebook account!

 
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This article was originally published February 2013

 

How to be a Spy

 

The Occasional's Definitive Guide to: Espionage, Coverts Operations, Covert Ops, Being Covert, Double Agents, Surveillance, Interrogation, Deception, Lexicon, and Other Things Your Government Does Not Want You to Know

With the success of Homeland, Zero Dark Thirty and Skyfall, the world is going spy crazy! How can you spy up your life? This will serve as an introduction to the dos and don’ts of becoming, spotting and loving spies

 
 

How to Dress like a Spy

First things first, you need to look like a spy in order to spy on things. You can get a tuxedo and a wet suit, sure. But what if you can’t afford these expensive items? Then here’s an alternative that will get you into any government party or international grey zone.

  1. Buy two hula hoops and a large sheet of cardboard, and some red, black, and white paint. (Sometimes you can find cardboard for free behind Pier One; they get a lot of big shipments.)
  2. Build a three-­dimensional disc out of the hula­ hoops and cardboard, and cut five holes in it along the circumference at equal distances.
  3. Paint one side of the disc red and the other side black. Around the rim of the disc, alternate red and black in a roulette pattern.
  4. Finally, paint “$10,000” in the middle of both sides of the disc. Let it dry. Then, climb inside the disk and stick your head, arms, and legs through each of the holes.
  5. Congrats! You’re a casino chip. Walk into any party and tell people you’ll be at the tables. Don’t move too fast or the hula hoops will make that sandy­ shuffling noise and give you away. SPY MODE ACTIVATED!
 
 

WHICH PIECE OF FURNITURE IN YOUR HOUSE IS A SPY?

The first thing a spy must do is protect on the domestic front. Even your home could be filled with double agents.

Suspicious of your couch? Here’s how to interrogate it to make sure it’s on your side.

Suspend your couch from the ceiling by binding its legs. Splash cold water on it, and ask it when it last saw Bin Laden. If the couch refuses to cooperate, sexually humiliate it by pulling off its lining in front of a woman. Take photos of your couch’s genitals with an instant camera. Burn a copy of the Ikea catalogue in front of it, and tell your couch it has been abandoned by God. Sleep-deprive your couch by blasting Queensryche and Do The Bartman for 72 hours, then confuse it into cooperation by offering it a nice lunch. When the couch finally offers up a lead, render it to Libya, where it will never be heard from again. Follow up by broadcasting to the world that your policies represent modern democracy, justice and fairness. Sell the story of your couch’s interrogation to Hollywood, and cross your fingers that it gets made into a film by the woman who got an amazing performance out of Bill Paxton in a vampire movie.

CREATIVE COMMON  SPY PHRASES FOR USE THE FIELD

By now, your home should be safe. Before venturing out, make sure you've mastered the following.

Can’t come up with your own code phrases? These phrases are available under the creative commons license; make sure your contact has the appropriate response phrase.

 

“The crow rides a larger crow at 7 p.m.”
RESPONSE: “That’s ridiculous, but OK.”

 

“15, 20, 21, red.”
RESPONSE: “I thought it was 22.”

 

“How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?”
RESPONSE: “How did you get in my bedroom?”

 

“Sure are a lot of websites these days.”
RESPONSE: “Yep. Sure are.”

 

“There are too many toilets in this town.”
RESPONSE: “Yeah, but just enough assholes.”

Spy Recipes

Got that? Great, but it's still not enough. You're going to have to rely on not just your words, but your guile.

Whether or not you’re a spy, you can eat and drink like one! Here are a couple recipes to get you started eating like a spy.

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Chocolate Chip Cookies

1 Cup Butter

1 Cup Sugar

1 Cup Packed Brown Sugar

2 Eggs

2 Teaspoons Vanilla Extract

3 Cups All-Purpose Flour

1 Teaspoon Baking Soda

1 Tablespoon Cyanide

2 Teaspoons Hot Water

½ Teaspoon Salt

2 Cups Semisweet Chocolate Chips

1 Cup Chopped Walnuts

 

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C if you’re in eastern Europe like you should be).

2. Combine ingredients, using the hot water to dissolve the baking soda and cyanide.

3. Bake for 10 minutes in preheated oven, until golden-brown.

4. Give cookies to impostor prime minister, run.

5. Fire-bomb apartment complex where you made the cookies. 

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Martini

1 Ounce Vodka

Dry Vermouth

Ice

 

Ask bartender to combine ingredients in a shaker. Tell him to serve it “straight up; do I look like a joker?” Make sure to call the bartender “a real joker,” and wear platform shoes so that you are taller and, thus, older. Drink martini while pointing at the bartender, make a “gunshot” sound, and put the empty glass on the bar. Walk away after saying, “Such a joker.” Make out with two adult ladies.

That's it. Everything you need to know. But if you're pressed for time, here's a crash course.

HOW TO BECOME A SPY

  1. Go to another country.
  2. Hide.
  3. Write down everything you see in code. 1 = B, Giraffe = Triangle, etc.
  4. Send code to the Pentagon. Do not include a key.
  5. Kill yourself. A spy is never captured alive.

     Show message history

 
 

This article was originally published February 2013

The Portrait of an Artist

 

An exclusive, behind-the-scenes profile of what goes on behind the lens of famed photographer, Theodore.

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t 7:30 a.m. on New Year’s Day, Theodore walked through the door, his calling card of a beard preceding him as he entered. The reclusive fashion photographer was shorter than his larger-than-life reputation would lead you to believe, and he marched directly to his subject, barely acknowledging our team -- the one he granted exclusive access -- and grabbed his camera.

He wished none of his crew a happy new year. 

“What, you guys want a celebration?” he asked no one, yet everyone. “Celebrate the work. Not the passing of time.”

And with that, every single crew member fell into line. You don’t get a job working with Theodore to not buy into his view of the world. We watched as the flash went off for the first time that morning, transforming the day into something it never would have become, our intrigue in tow as we caught a rare glimpse at the most in-demand photographer in the fashion world. The provocative genius hasn’t given an interview in two years, telling friends that his work should speak for itself. He has a point. Fashion photography can be broken down into two eras, and we certainly live in a post-Theodore world. Nothing will ever be the same.

“Change the game? I don’t know about that. I set out to take pictures,” he told us after his grueling 13-hour shoot with the nameless model who’s become his muse. “A lot of photographers will tell you that they don’t even do that. That they set out to capture life. Or the lack thereof. Sure, I do that. But for me, it’s about the camera in my hand. And how powerful it makes me.” 

Theodore used that power to burst onto the scene with his intimate profile of Australian actor Dominic Moore in his Beachwood Canyon bungalow. Those photos found their way to the cover of Vanity Fair and in front of the eyes of millions. Like Theodore, Moore hid from the public eye, denying interview requests as he chose to live a private life. Perhaps that’s why they hit it off. Perhaps that’s why, to this day, the only known photos of Moore have been at been at the hands and lens of Theodore. 

Just one look at the results from that day show that not only did an established star shine brightly, but another was born.

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Theodor's breakthrough photos already showed his unmistakable use of lighting, as well as his ability to capture the human spirit. (Courtesy of Vanity Fair) 

Theodor's breakthrough photos already showed his unmistakable use of lighting, as well as his ability to capture the human spirit. (Courtesy of Vanity Fair) 

“We just understood each other. I could see it in his eyes. He wasn’t just going to open up because some GQ bullshit jagoff had to fill 5,000 words,” Theodore explained to us. “That’s never what it was about to him, nor was it to me. I didn’t even plan on publishing those pictures.” 

The pictures, as well as many that followed, showed a rawness that few others can capture so effortlessly. Then again, not everyone is so comfortable with the crude portrayal of the human experience. 

“That’s why we like him,” said the actress Chloe Sevigny, who has worked with him often over the last few years. “He knows how his subjects want the world to see them better than they do. When I’m in his hands, it’s like I’m unleashing something I never thought I could. Nobody’s ever taken a better photograph of me. When I see the portraits he’s taken, which are hanging throughout my house, I think ‘Yes, this is how I want to be remembered.’”

In recent years, Theodore has gone mainstream, a go-to celebrity portraitist, photographing everyone from Derek Jeter to Gwyneth Paltrow for major publications. Word is that Time Magazine has already tapped him for their upcoming spread with Barack Obama, something Theodore downplayed when we asked him about it. “Listen, I’m just the guy holding the camera, capturing something that already exists,” he admitted, humbly ignoring the fact that he’s revolutionized a century-old profession. 

 

He’s even picked up commercial work. The shoot we attended was for the second round of a national American Apparel campaign he’s been tasked with. Even if you’ve never picked up a magazine, you’ve likely seen his work, which litters the streets of Los Angeles.

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“When I’m in his hands, it’s like I’m unleashing something I never thought I could. Nobody’s ever taken a better photograph of me.
- Chloe Sevigny”

“I’m not gonna bullshit you, it pays the bills so I dare anyone to call me a sellout,” he confidently stated before staring at me without breaking eye contact for what seemed like an eternity. “Sorry, I spaced out there. I saw a bird in my head, and I needed to free it from its cage.” 

 

You’d be hard-pressed to find anyone judging him for any career moves, no matter how mainstream, especially when you witness the sweat and passion he pours into every snap of the shutter. His assistant, a wide-eyed postgrad who refused to be named told us he can only dream of devoting his life to his art in the way that his mentor has. Unfortunately, it’s come at a price, as he’s had to sever ties with his family who “just didn’t get it.” 
One can tell how grateful he was to have us on hand for his latest American Apparel shoot, which in case you were wondering more than “pays the bills.” He may not have verbalized it -- he was in such a zone it’s like we did not even exist -- but his energy radiated throughout the crew. Everyone on hand felt the emotion of the shoot, something evident in the results.

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Theodore is more in demand than ever, and that means more is at stake. “He is protective of the style he’s created,” said actress Rosario Dawson, a close friend who told us she’s afraid to model for him, fearing what she might find out about herself. “But I don’t see him ever slowing down.” 

The word Dawson used the most when we spoke over cafe-au-laits in Soho was “brave.” It’s something you can see even in the first photograph Theodore ever took (above). It may come as a surprise, but the photo came just five years ago on a whim, when he was sharing a 300-square-foot apartment on the lower-east side, making ends meet as an office manager, just hoping for some overtime.

Recalled a nostalgic Theodore: “Yeah, my flatmate Doni had a Fuji point-and-shoot lying around. He liked to take pictures of us hanging out and stuff. I think he mentioned once something about a pipe dream of being a professional photographer. One day as a goof I took a picture of him, and I haven’t looked back.”

 

He means that literally. Theodore revealed that he’s never once set eyes on a picture he’s taken. “Why bother? I was there. If I did my job right, the work does all the looking for me.”

slideshow images, with corresponding captions!

1. Theodore and his subject.

(Not pictured: everyone in attendance on all fours. "Never make the model feel alone.")

2. He ran a no-nonsense set, telling his model, "Cut the pretense and let's get it done."

3. Every photo Theodore takes could end up in the Smithsonian, so it's important everything is perfect.

4. He conducted his shoot like an orchestra. Magic doesn't even begin to describe what we all witnessed. 

5. Theodore wears a wedding band but claims to have never been in a relationship. "I'm married to my work," he said.

 

This article was originally published February 2013