Ladies! You’re a lady, and you know what THAT means–SEX SEX SEX! Also, Flag Day is right around the corner, and you know what THAT means for us ladies–SEX SEX SEX! Holidays are the best because it gives MODERN ACADEMIC WOMEN a chance FINALLY to be SEXY for once! Follow this fun, flirty guide to make sure your MAN is satisfied this Flag Day!
Do
Since Flag Day commemorates the adoption of the flag of the United States by resolution of the Second Continental Congress in 1777, a good sexy tip for Flag Day is to lightly massage his prostate.
Don't
Make the mistake of shouting out that “Flag Day’s a Federal holiday” while climaxing because Flag Day is not an official federal holiday, though on June 14, 1937, Pennsylvania became the first (and only) U.S. state to celebrate Flag Day as a state holiday, beginning in the town of Rennerdale!!!!!!!!!!!! IT WOULD BE A MAJOR SEX DON’T!
Fun Fact: tickling a man’s prostate will lead to marriage.
Do
Dress up like George Morris of Hartford, Connecticut, who first coined the name “Flag Day” in Kansas: a Cyclopedia of State History, published by Standard Publishing Company of Chicago in 1912. But, like, slutty!! George was a prude!
Don't
Burn a flag. Unless you want to have twins. :/
Do
In honor of the designer of the American flag, try one of Betsy Ross’ favorite sexy positions! YOU know what I mean by sexy positions – I mean SEXUAL POSITIONS!! Ol’ Bets was pretty freaky, so only try them if you’re comfortable. Betsy Ross could massage Abraham Lincoln’s prostate with her MAN HANDS! Fun fact: Abe Lincoln’s prostate was four feet tall.
Don't
Try Betsy Ross’ VERY favorite position. I can’t even tell you what the position is, it’s that gross. She died by doing it. Betsy Ross died in a horrific sex accident. I know this is a sex article, but that position is so gross. Betsy Ross had huge hands.
Do
Make a sexy lingerie number out of one of the sexier parts of the flag (the stars). The stars of the flag, from far away, look like nips! And EVERY lady knows that men LOVE nip-tips! The exchange rate of nips to love is 4:1!!! So if you put this flag around you, you will get one (1) love. Didn’t your mom teach you that when she taught you shaving?
Don't
Make lingerie out of a flag that isn’t the United States. Estonia? WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU THINKING. Those are three horizontal stripes. They’ll make you look fatter than you already are, you Estonian cow. Excuse me, I take it back, you’re a “lehm.”
Do
“LEHM” IS ESTONIAN FOR “FAT IRISH-COW” HAHAHAHA
Don't
Look up if I was telling the truth about the Estonia thing just now. JUST BELIEVE IT, LIKE YOUR MOM BELIEVED IN FEEDING YOU TOO MUCH PIZZAS IN MIDDLE SCHOOL.
Do
Sex a flag!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't
Sex a kid.
This article was originally published May 2012