IN LIEU OF A REAL INTERVIEW, WE SENT 50 QUESTIONS TO JAMES ADOMIAN AND TOLD HIM TO ANSWER AS MANY AS HE COULD AND THAT REGARDLESS OF HOW FAR HE GOT, WE'D PUBLISH ALL OF THEM.
Shall we begin?
At your own peril.
So you have a show you’re developing?
Somebody reads the trades!
How would you rate it on a scale of 1 to The Big Bang Theory?
60 Minutes.
Has your opinion on kissing changed over your lifetime?
My views on kissing are evolving, yes. I used to favor a sharp tongue but now I’ve crossed the aisle over to the loose lips.
Who would you like to kiss without their consent?
Nobody, sorry, my rape fantasies involve me as the passive partner.
What are you cooking back there?
That’s burnt pizza crust in the bottom of the oven. Almost ready.
When would you use the phrase “My baby’s got sauce”?
Under duress.
What’s your favorite type of music invented by black people?
I am extremely racist.
What’s your favorite type of music invented by white people?
Hip-hop, R&B, rock & roll.
White people: Who needs them any more?
Get off of Tumblr before it’s too late.
Were you ever tempted to part your hair differently?
Get thee behind me, Satan!
Have you ever worn a unitard and for what?
A Freddie Mercury impression at UCB! Pictured here with Billy Joel (Michael Cassady), Cyndi Lauper (Andree Vermeulen), and Tom Waits (Scott Rodgers).
If you had a two-dollar bill what would you do with it?
Keep it in my wallet as a sacred lucky charm for about a month, then spend it on booze.
Describe how you would build a house in six words.
I would need some building materials.
Describe six words or less.
Hyperhaiku.
What would you throw into the fireplace while no one’s looking?
My NSA “political dissident” file!
You casually mention The Beatles to someone and they say they don’t know who they are. How do you respond?
I take that as the signal to exchange the microfiche.
Thoughts on gay marriage?
Not thoughts so much as brute lust.
Thoughts on Ray marriage?
Hey now!
If Ray Charles were still alive, do you think he’d be married to all those Pepsi dancers by now?
That’s what heaven is for.
So this month’s theme on the site is “Fancy.” Mind if we dive into that?
Color me dapper.
What’s your favorite type of tuxedo to wear?
Cheap, used, vaudeville-esque.
Fuck Marry Kill: a monocle, a stack of $100 bills, elbow patches.
I would keep them all as lovers on the side.
How much money do you currently have on you?
Ten thousand Swiss francs — you know, swissin’-around money.
Can we have some?
Put this on red. Two spins. Walk out with what you get.
What’s the biggest room you’ve ever been in?
Narnia.
You’ve got a knack for celebrity impressions. Who’s your favorite?
Kathleen Turner.
Can you do an impression for us right now?
Mmm ... Slow down, champ. You just gonna run up the stairs like that on a Thursday? *Puff*
Seriously, can you record it on your phone and send us the file? We’ll put it right here.
Jesus now there’s homework. Attached.
We love the fact that you do a lot of characters — ever watch TBS?
Not since the days of NWA wrestling on the Superstation!
That last one was a trick question. And to clarify this is not a question. Don’t answer this one. Just listen for a sec.
Adversarial comedy journalism. Touché.
Which fictional character would you welcome into your home?
Dilbert.
Which fictional character would you turn a hose on if you saw them anywhere near your home?
Megavolt!
You do a great impression of Jesse Ventura, host of Conspiracy Theory. Are there any conspiracy theories that you believe in?
“Conspiracy theory” is an insulting and ignorant term.
Do you believe in aliens?
We are aliens.
Yo ... you smoke trees?
I puff on pines.
How many more answers do you have?
Good thing you’re not on the top of the mountain with the Zen master.
Real quick: What’s your favorite state?
Wakefulness.
Any speed you want: What’s your favorite city?
Lancaster, California.
Complete the beef slogan: “Beef: ___ _____ ____ _____”
“Something else goes here.”
What’s the best and worst part of having a mustache?
The tickle.
What kind of person puts stickers all over their laptop?
A hippie without a car.
What’s your favorite movie scene?
When the horse dies in The Neverending Story. It’s my yoga.
What do you think of the phrase “spoiler alert”?
Buncha narcs.
Are you currently avoiding any spoilers?
No, I call them shortcuts.
What was the first CD you ever bought?
Jerky Boys 2.
What was the first Cranberries CD you ever bought?
They offered a nice two-year certificate of deposit I jumped in on.
What’s your most recent regret?
All those murders. Well, most of them.
You just landed on the moon, what do you say?
Oxygennnn!!!!
Describe a situation that ends with you spitting on someone.
Second base.
Who’s going to win it all this year?
Entropy, known to us as Death.
