Get The Look: Nicki Minaj!

 

Breaking down Nicki Minaj’s effortless style

 

 

HAIR

Woah. Okay.

 

MAKEUP

Lots.

 

EYELASHES

Aack.

 

EARRINGS

Good God, woman.

 

NECKLACE

Yeesh.

 

TOP

Is that what that is?

 

BRACELETS

Holy mackerel.

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SPARKLY THINGS

Not even sure… what…

those are.

 

LEGGINGS

Aye caramba. 

 

TATTOOS

Uh… cool?

 

FINGERNAILS

Really?

 

LIPSTICK

Ooooooooookay.

 

SHOES

Just… just stop. 

 

This article was originally published October 2013

 

Around Town: Justin's Unbelieberble Bod!

 

CELEBS ARE HITTING THE TOWN AND MAKING A SCENE! 

 

 
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Yum yum! Fans of Justin Bieber got a tasty treat this week when the pop mega-star went shirtless for an Us Weekly photo shoot, showing off his delicious little boy body!

Justin’s lithe little muscles and smooth, hairless boy chest were on full display last Thursday as he posed for the cameras while talking about his sold-out “Believe” tour with his full, moist mouth. “I’m excited to see all my fans,” said the little filthy tease. “We have a lot of cool things planned for the show.”

The “One Time” singer has recently gotten into trouble for speeding in residential areas like a naughty little dirty boy who needs to be spanked, hard, but refused to comment on the issue. “I’m just focused on my tour and my fans right now,” said Bieber while coyly running his fingers down his lickably tight belly as though he didn’t know exactly goddamn well what he was doing.

Justin Bieber’s smooth little boy cock was not on display during the photo shoot, though fans can vividly imagine how it would feel to fondle it with their sweaty, trembling hands.

 

This article was originally published October 2013

 

The Gauntlet: 50 Questions with Maria Bamford

Photography by Piper Ferguson

Photography by Piper Ferguson

 
 

In lieu of a real interview, we sent over 50 questions to Maria Bamford and told her to answer as many as she could and that regardless of how far she got, we'd publish all of them. 

 

So you incorporate a lot of characters and voices into your act, right?

(IN HIGH LADY) Yes, (LOW LADY), I do. (MEDIUM LADY) 

 

How many do you do?

About 4 voices.

 

Can you do one right now?

OK! 

 

How’d it go?

Well, I did an impersonation of me doing an impersonation of myself doing an impersonation of me because I am in a hotel business center and I feel self-conscious.  I said “hello” to myself in the mirror. It was pretty accurate.

 

What person would you say has the best speaking voice in the world?

Barack Obama has a very warm palate of tones.

 

How about the best peaking voice?

The voice of Everest has been silent, but as it is trampled by millions seeking its summit, I believe it will rise up.  (What are we talking about?)

 

Who needs to stop talking all together?

I’m often caught in the middle of my own monologue to a stranger and wonder— what’s that high-pitched beeping— “Oh! I’m still talking!”

 

What was the best conversation you had in the past week?

My boyfriend doing impersonations of our dogs.

 

If you’re in a group conversation, what’s your role?

Listener, laugher (Lady).

 

You’re buying a picture frame and notice that the stock photo in the frame is YOU. What do you do?

Call my manager to celebrate!

 

How do you stay in such tip top shape?

Tremoring!

 

What’s your favorite exercise?

Elliptical while Netflixing.

 

How much can you bench?

25.

 

What’s your relationship like with your parents?

Casual, sexy.

 

What do you wish it was like?

Intense, confusing.

 

What’s something you wish you could say to your parents but never would?

You guys, I’m going back to school in Library Science.

 

Do you think they’ll read this interview?

My Mom had me on Google-Alert –so I assume, yes.  Hi, Mom!

 

How old is too old to start doing stand-up?

With technology, I think hospice care, or late 50’s-90’s, is the best time to start!  Free time, great perspective on some edgy topics— death, chronic pain, loss, bedsores.  The Internet is a 24 hour international open mic and the AARP membership is a growing, untapped audience.  I can’t wait to see what my parents’ generation is going to come up with.  They’re cra-zay.

 

What’s the funniest joke you’ve ever heard told by a child?

I like a fart noise.

 

What’s the least funny joke you’ve ever heard told by a child?

Hitting me on the head with a plastic baseball bat.

 

Do you know anyone you would consider a “hack”?

I certainly have the characteristics of what I’ve heard a “hack” is— heterosexual relationships, food, airport references.  And there’s always 
a new generation of “hack”— so, I’m sure whatever’s edgy now will become the norm and then, the people will rise up.

 

Do you know anyone you would consider a “hacker”?

I am in a commune of artistes.  We do not speak of technology.

 

Angelina Jolie was in Hackers. How would you describe her whole “deal”?

She’s pretty great and all.

 

Since this is a sex-themed issue, do you mind if we ask you a few sex related questions?

Of course.  I want to be obliging.

 

Sex: Overrated? Underrated?

UNDER!  It’s so fun and funny. 

 

What sex advice would you give to someone having sex for the first time?

HAVE SOME!

 

What sex advice would you give to someone having sex for the last time?

Give it your 20%!

 

Pornography: what does the word mean to you?

Cash cow, harder than waitressing.

 

What’s a good outfit someone can wear during sex?

V-neck trousers. 

 

Who’s sexier? Steve Jobs or Steve Spielberg?

I can’t choose.  They both have their sensual energies.  Especially since Steve Jobs would be a ghost.

 

What’s your favorite Steve Spielberg movie?

ET.  It reminds me of how I feel living in Los Angeles.  Surviving off of Reese’s Pieces in a closet.

 

Ol’ Steve Spielberg is getting a little full of himself, no?

He has a lot to be proud of.  He’s been able to do a lot despite being a tiny little man with girl hands.

 

When would you say Steve Spielberg jumped the shark?

This is where I mention Jaws.

 

Did you say Jaws? You know, because of the shark that’s in that movie?

Ha-ha!

 

Who directed Jaws 2?

I don’t know and I won’t check.

 

Did you even see Jaws 2?

No, I didn’t and I won’t. I simply will not watch JAWS 2.

 

Explain yourself. 

A typical day for me involves approximately four hours of upright consciousness— all activities must be contained between 12 noon and 4 and then I fall into a heap of pugs.  There is no room—with all of my snacking and responsibilities—to attend to all of pop culture.

 

Do you watch House of Cards?

Negatory, but my parents keep me up to date on Kevin Spacey’s shenanigans.

 

What is your favorite TV show, not including House of Cards?

DEREK!!!!!! And Suze Orman (available on iTunes!).

 

Which is more fun to play, House or Cards?

House is much more fun— especially grocery shop miming.

 

Do you care about the Beatles?

We keep in touch.

 

Who’s tall these days?

Is Manute Bol still a reference?

 

What do you do when you see someone over seven feet tall?

I enunciate clearly and loudly.

 

It’s like where do they even get off?

Well, they get off at whatever stop they want to but if they go to the end of the line— then, that’s their beeswax.

 

If you were a betting woman, what would be the name of the horse you’d bet on?

Braindead Megaphone – title of one of my favorite books – or Bert.

 

Are you a betting woman?

Sure.

 

Have you ever stolen anything? 

I have stolen food. And when I say stolen—I mean—relieved friends of old candy corn in a cupboard while they weren’t watching.  Who is the victim?

 

Are you currently in possession of anything that doesn’t belong to you?

As a middle-class white woman, I’m sure there are a few things I’ve appropriated that I should return. I should probably give back reggae.

 

What is the quickest and easiest way to express disapproval?

Grimace and downcast eyes.

 

Boxers or brief...cases?

I’m going with Boxers.  Petting dogs lowers your blood pressure, and business luggage is still evolving.

 
 

This article was originally published October 2013

 
 

READ MORE Gauntlet: 50 Questions:

Reader Suggestions

 

Instead of the usual smattering of blurbs that readers have sent us, this month we're highlighting just one.

We received the following letter in the mail, packed tightly in a padded envelope along with multiple VHS tapes:

 
 
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Tape #1, Titled:

“Here is where I show the best part of waking up”

 

 

Tape #2, Titled:

“This is so raven for sex”

 

 

Tape #3, Titled:

“This sex move is what to expect when your expecting”

 

 

Tape #4, Titled:

“A good one for dealing with in-laws”

 

Originally published October 2013

Fitness Review: Exercise

 
W
Artie Johann illustration by Gregor Louden

Artie Johann illustration by Gregor Louden

ho’s got time to be healthy and in shape? I’ll tell you who: boring people. I once read that exercise was invented by a nerd who was actually just running from a bully. There’s a chance I didn’t read that, but was told it by a guy who was bullying me while I was jogging. I kind of get bullied a lot. It’s not because I’m a nerd, it’s usually because of the different T-shirts I wear. I think they’re funny, but most people don’t seem to get them. My funniest shirts are probably “Mexicans Are Bad,” “Indians Should Be Punched,” and “Black People Are Inferior.” I guess I’m just ahead of my time when it comes to comedy. 

One reason I don’t like exercise is that it always reminds me of my Phys Ed teacher, Mr. Steigerwald. What a bozo that guy was. Every time we played dodgeball in class he’d yell stupid things at me like “Take your hands out of your pockets, you’re gonna get hit in the face!” or “Where’d you get that snake?!” I remember telling him that when 
I got older I was gonna come back to school and kick his ass. 
And I fulfilled that promise right after I said it and he turned around. Technically, I was older (by one second) and technically, I kicked his ass (‘cause my foot hit his ass). So, I kicked his ass. Then he tried to get me suspended, but I told him if he did I’d tell everyone that he molested me. You can get away with a lot of cool stuff as a kid if you lie about being molested.

Another reason I hate exercise is that there are too many strong people. The government should make a law that only allows one or two strong people per city. That’s more fair to all the weak, lazy people. What good is government if they can’t protect the people who don’t wanna work hard? Besides, no one needs to be strong any more. In the past, people had to be strong to pick up things. Nowadays, we rarely have to pick up anything because of robots and computers. Sure, a lot of them aren’t invented yet, but who cares? I’m still not picking up all the garbage in my apartment.

Here are three alternatives to exercise:

 
  1. Nightmares. Really bad nightmares pretty much count as working out, especially if they involve a lot of sweating and screaming. If you have trouble having nightmares, try eating a full bowl of spaghetti right before you go to bed, or try being mean to a lot of dangerous people during the day.
  2. Eating. I’ve run three miles before, and I’ve eaten seven cheeseburgers before. If all exercise is is feeling tired when you’re done doing something, then eating seven cheeseburgers is as good as any exercise
  3. Just talk about working out. Most people work out so they can tell people they’ve worked out. No one ever calls their bluff. So if you want to feel like you’ve exercised, just tell people you did. A good way to fake having just worked out is to walk around drinking a smoothie. Drinking a smoothie is pretty much the international symbol for “I spent twenty minutes on an elliptical.”
 

In conclusion, exercise stinks.  If you feel the urge to work out, don’t. Just find a cologne ad with a muscular guy in it and put a photo of your head on his. Then maybe take a picture of that and send it to your ex-girlfriend. Now who stinks, Amy? Not me. I’m in a cologne ad, which is the opposite of stinking.


Overall Rating

 

 
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FOUR OUT OF FOUR FACEBOOK BIKINI PROFILE PICS

Don’t waste your time working out while these photos of your co-workers are free on the Internet.

 

This article was originally published August 2013

 
 

The Occasional Staff Fitness Challenge: Part 2

 

30 days in

It's been a month since our contestants began the sugar-free diet. Lets check in on them! 


 
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SHARON

195 POUNDS

Gained 6 lbs.

Oh you got me! Diet starts today, I swear.

 

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MATTEO

161 POUNDS

Lost 4 lbs.

Seriously? Only four pounds? Been blasting at the gym twice a day, too.

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DOUG

141 POUNDS

Lost 9 lbs.

Who are you with? I don't know what you're talking about. Listen, my wife will be here in a sec to grab the keys from me. Though, technically, she's my ex-wife... Ex. That just kills me. Did you know we were together since high school? I just realized this is the first time I've ever been alone.

 

This article was originally published August 2013

Celebrity Fitness Secrets

 
 

Ever wonder how celebs keep their bods toned and taught for their movie star closeups?


 
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TOM CRUISE

Swims 30 laps per day in a thimble!

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USHER

lifts the crushing weight of depression!

 
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NICOLE KIDMAN

chases down and sucks the blood from goats!

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MILEY CYRUS

runs through five personalities per day!

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JOHNNY DEPP

does weight training under 48 pounds of scarves!

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KATIE HOLMES

runs from Scientologists!

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BEYONCE

does nothing because she is perfect!

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NICOLAS CAGE

fights a komodo dragon!

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SHIA LABOUEF

does something entirely bland and unmemorable!

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SYLVESTER STALLONE

eats a salad bowl filled to the brim with horse steroids!

 
 

This article was originally published August 2013

 

Around Town: Willem Dafoe's Drinkable Diet!

 

DAFOE'S DRINKABLE DIET! How does Willem Dafoe keep his hot Hollywood bod even at 57? This week, the Spider-Man star let his slimming secret slip: Willem is on an all breast milk diet!

"I consume nothing but milk squeezed from the ripe breasts of lactating mothers," Willem told Men's Healthmagazine in a five hour interview during which he did not blink. "I flick, flick, flick my tongue over their swollen nipples, savoring their hot white nectar. It pleasures me."

While the breast milk diet keeps Willem looking trim and tasty, it isn't cheap! The Platoon star says he spends thousands each week paying a stable of lactating mothers to live in a shed behind his house! "I visit them thrice daily to nurse," dishes Willem. "While lapping at their engorged teats I often purr like a feline. Purrrrrrrrr."

So will the breast milk diet trend catch on with other health-conscious celebs? Maybe so! Willem says A-listers like Nicolas Cage and Paul Giamatti have have already joined him in his "suckling sessions" while magician David Blaine is widely known to live on a slurry of breast milk and raw placenta! 

 

This article was originally published August 2013

 

TerryCo: Common Sense Equals Common Results (Shit You Should Already Know)

 

The New Book From Jerome Mayberry

Acclaimed Author of

I Never Met a Free Trial Membership I Didn't Like

'I Know You Stole From Me, Asshole!' and Other Ways to Start a Fight

Your Weight Ain't Your Dad

 

 
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Featuring chapters such as:

Go The Extra Mile: Smoke On The Treadmill

Small Tank Tops = Big Results  

Carrots: The Thinking Man's Eye Doctors

The Reviews Are In!

"I told my cousin to write a book, so he did."

-Terry Crews

Actor/Magazine Editor/CEO, TerryCo Industries

 
 

Originally published August 2013

The Occasional Staff Fitness Challenge: Part 1

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In May, when we learned we were doing a health-themed issue of The Occasional, we picked three of our employees at random and entered them into a competition to see who could lose the most weight on the same health plan.

To keep things simple, they all went on a sugar-free diet, which means not just avoiding sweet snacks like candy and cookies, but also white bread, pasta, sodas, and even some fruits and vegetables. Trust us, it's tougher than it sounds. 

 

Meet our Contestants Below

 

 
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Sharon (189 pounds)

What do you do at The Occasional? 

"I'm the Office Manager. Keep things organized for everyone. Best job in the world!"

 

What do you hope to accomplish in this competition?

"Just looking for a new hobby y'all! And if it means living healthier, that's just icing on the cake. LOL." (ed note: she spelled out the letters "L-O-L")


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Matteo (165 pounds)

What do you do at The Occasional?

"Crush it in sales."

 

What do you hope to accomplish in this competition?

"Crush it in life."


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Doug (150 pounds)

What do you do at The Occasional?

"I love that you guys are doing this, I do. But this really isn't a good time. I have a lot going on at home."

 

What do you hope to accomplish in this competition?

"Fine, just give her what she wants. I hate what this has turned us into. I just want to be able to see her again -- wait, hold on. Actually let me call you back…Guys, what is it you need? I'm on the phone with my wife's divorce attorney."

 

This article was originally published August 2013

 

Gym Rules

 
  • Make sure you sign in on the sheet out front (usually the gym supervisor will be at the desk next to it). Put your name, member ID number, and time in. 
  • If the gym supervisor says hi when you’re signing in, feel free to smile and say hi back. He doesn’t bite!
  • A lot of people have asked about the space on the sign-in sheet for a phone number. We just prefer if you put it. Not a huge deal if you’d rather not for some strange reason.
  • When signing in, there’s no need to feel self-conscious just because the gym supervisor is so close by, and seemingly just sitting there. He’s actually very busy, organizing the brackets for the juniors squash tournament. He definitely is not looking at you. Even if he had time to just stare idly at you—which again, he doesn’t—he wouldn’t, because that would be so creepy!
  • The space on the sign-in sheet for astrological sign is just a fun thing that is totally optional. The gym supervisor is really knowledgeable about astrology, and could give you some fun feedback on your sign! But again, completely optional.
  • The space for social security number just came on the sign-in sheets when we ordered them; we didn’t put it there. However, it is required.
  • The gym supervisor has been trained in a great breathing technique that he would be happy to teach you; feel free to ask him!
  • Another thing about being nice to the gym supervisor is that he can possibly get you a discount on some of the merchandise in the gym shop, as long as the manager isn’t there, which is pretty often.
  •  Gym attire is required in the gym at all times. Clothing should be extremely tight-fitting, with no loose-hanging pieces that could get caught in the machines. If you’re unsure about an item, the gym supervisor would be happy to let you know if it’s appropriate.
  • Also, doctors recommend exposing as much skin as possible while exercising in order to allow sweat flecks to evaporate properly and avoid skin reaction. Hey, don’t ask me: I’m not a doctor! I’m a gym-rule writer.
  • Nudity is permitted in the gym at all times.
  • It is imperative to stretch before exercising! There’s a good open space for stretches near the front of the gym, by the desk where the gym supervisor sits. You can stretch anywhere, but that’s just a good spot, most people find.
  • If a machine malfunctions while you are using it, alert the gym supervisor immediately by standing in front of the machine with your hand raised, and your chest thrust outward.
  • No men are allowed in the gym.
  • Stay hydrated! Some health experts say dousing your entire body in water is slightly more effective than putting it in your mouth.
  • If you’re on a machine and you get a weird sense that the gym supervisor is watching you from behind, don’t worry: it’s probably just your imagination. Even if he is there, he’s just inspecting something. He has to inspect all the machines to make sure they’re working properly, and he makes his rounds every so often, as part of his job. But again, he’s just looking at the machine, and definitely just testing something on the machine if you feel his hand brush your back.
  • On your way out, make sure to put your time out on the sign-in sheet and sign your name on the waiver form next to it which absolves the gym supervisor of various liabilities.
  • The locker rooms are under video surveillance.
  • Please limit use of cardio machines to thirty minutes if someone is waiting!
 

This article was originally published August 2013

 

The Occasional Staff Fitness Challenge: Part 3

 

90 Days In

The final check in! As a surprise for our awesome contestants, we enlisted a physician to weigh in with his thoughts on the process. 


 
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Sharon

166 Pounds

Lost 23 lbs

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Doctor's Conclusion:

Lost weight in a healthy way and it should have positive effects on her lifestyle. Kudos, Sharon

I look great and feel better! Let’s do this every year.

Matteo

155 Pounds

Lost 10 lbs.

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Doctor's Conclusion:

Matteo lost 10 pounds quickly but plateau'd since his body was mostly muscle weight as is. He was already in tip-top shape and would need a drastic change in lifestyle to change anything.

Honestly I’m a little disappointed. But it just means I need to work harder.

Doug

130 Pounds

Lost 47 lbs.

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Doctor's Conclusion:

He's lost a dangerous amount of weight in a short amount of time and I don't even think he partook in the diet? Seems to be stress-induced and the lack of nutrients in his body is shocking. He reeks of peanut shells, which I surmise he's been subsisting on. So, sure, he won, but I give him maybe three more weeks to live.

I won? Ol’ Dougy boy is back in business, baby.

*Doug died later after partaking in this interview


We've come a long way.

One last peek at our fantastic competitors to see where they were at press time! 

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Sharon

Matteo

Doug

Well, that's it!

We had a blast and it's safe to say that everyone in the office feels great. Awesome job, team!

 

This article was originally published August 2013