How to Pleasure Yourself Like a Gentleman

 

When making love to a woman, it is important to behave like a gentleman. The same rules apply when making love to yourself.

 
 
 
 

Take it Slow

A gentleman mustn’t rush right into sex with himself, as this would be brutish and uncouth. A gentleman must first woo his penis.

 

Display Common Courtesy

Politeness is key. A gentleman always tips his hat before lowering his pants. 

 

Avoid Discussing Politics or Religion

Your penis may be standing erect, but you don’t know where it stands on the issues, so keep the conversation light.

 

Be Attentive

Ask your penis, “How was your day?” If it responds, “Hard,” be sure to laugh, as your penis has just made a funny joke.

 

Call Your Father and Ask for His Blessing

A gentleman always asks his penis’s father’s permission before pleasuring himself. This should be easy since your penis’s father is also your father, so you probably have his number. 

 

Use a Gentle Touch

A gentleman is never rough with his penis. A gentleman is firm yet tender, and always puts his penis’s needs before his own. Never bend or break your penis.

 

Display Old-Fashioned Chivalry

When pleasuring yourself on a sidewalk or by the side of the road, be sure your penis is furthest away from traffic. This makes the penis feel protected, and reduces your risk of being hassled by the 5-0. 

 

Never Let Another Man Touch Your Penis

Your penis belongs to you and you alone. If another man tries to seduce your penis, you must defend its honor. If it comes to fisticuffs, be sure to tuck your penis between your legs where it will be safe.  

 

Never Let a Woman Touch Your Penis

A gentleman finds women confusing and scary, and therefore, highly uncouth. If a woman attempts to besmirch your penis’s good name by placing her hands on it, scream, “No!” and run away as fast as you can (being careful not to alert the 5-0, because of your priors). 

 

Never Let a Cop Near Your Penis

A gentleman will often find himself nude on the side of the road being tased by the pigs for resisting arrest. In this situation, a gentleman must never allow himself to be tased directly on the penis or ballsac. Not only is it highly improper, it hurts real bad. A gentleman should instead raise his nude buttocks skyward, so that they absorb the brunt of the tasing, and cry until the pigs feel sorry for him.

 

Your Penis Is Too Pretty for Jail

It is imperative that a gentleman do all he can to keep his beautiful penis out of prison (a very uncouth place indeed), even if it means slicin’ up some Bacon, if you catch this gentleman’s drift. Oink, OINK, motherfuckers.

 

Always Be Polite While on the Run in Mexico

After knifing those piggies and makin’ ’em squeal real good, a gentleman will want to hot-wire their squad car and make a speedy getaway. Opening the door for his penis first, a gentleman should gun it, blowing all red lights, until he reaches sweet freedom in Mexico. Upon beginning your new life as a gringo fugitive, you’ll want to start pleasuring yourself again right away. It is important to remember that adapting to a new language in a foreign land is no excuse for behaving like anything less than a gentleman. When screaming in Español at the local boy you pay to keep an eye out for the Donut Patrol while you pleasure yourself on a Mexican back road, be sure to mind your manners:

Incorrect:  “¡Oye chico, gritar si ves a la policía!”  (“Hey kid, holler if you see the 5-0!”)

Correct: “¡Oye chico, por favor, gritar si ves a la policía. Gracias!”  (“Hey kid, please holler if you see the 5-0. Thank you!”) 

 

Make an Honest Penis of Your Penis

By now, you and your penis have been through a great deal together, and it’s time to make things official. That’s right, it’s time for you and your penis to be married. Keeping an eye out for roving members of La Nuestra Familia, a prominent gang at the Mexican prison where you are currently incarcerated, get down on one knee, take your penis in hand, look directly into its eye, and ask it, “Will you marry me?”. If your penis says, “I will,” you may then go to the warden with the good news and begin making arrangements for your gala prison wedding. If your penis says nothing, however, the answer, sadly, is no. A gentleman must respect his penis’s wishes, whatever they may be. 

 
 

So there you have it! Follow these steps and before you know it, you too can be crouched on the floor of a Mexican prison cell, proposing to your own penis like a true gentleman.

 

LEARN MORE ABOUT BEING A GENTLEMAN:

 

A Gentleman’s Guide To Murdering Another Gentleman

 
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When inviting another gentleman to your country club, it is imperative
to maintain certain societal standards. The same rules apply when
inviting him to meet his maker. 

 
 
  1. Have your secretaries set up a round of golf at your country club, and politely inform the gentleman of his impending murder. 
  2. Let the country club know of your plans to murder a guest, and request that the standard, brand-name burying tools be reserved for your use. 
  3. Meet the gentleman at the practice green. Shake hands and let him know your decision to murder him was difficult and unfortunate.
  4. On the 4th hole, casually inform the man that he shall be murdered on the back nine in case he has any business transactions to complete or family to notify.
  5. On the back nine, keep an eye out for a quiet, pleasant area to kill the gentleman. Avoid sand bunkers so as not to get sand all over the grass and create more work for club staff.  
  6. Having settled on an appropriate location, find a treed area to change into your killing clothes. Allow the victim to change into his victim clothes that you have provided. 
  7. Allow golfers behind you to play through. 
  8. Cover the grass in a sheet or tarp so as to avoid grass stains. 
  9. You are now ready to murder. Approach the man, bow, and say, “May you either dance in the fields of Heaven or find comforting warmth in the fires of Hell."  
  10. If there are any golfers behind you, allow them to play through.  
  11. With the coast clear, or at least manageable, grab your victim's neck, with the pinkies thrust outward. Squeeze. Squeeze until you feel the rush of love and anger and confusion and fear drain out of him, and his body is nothing more than an finely-dressed, empty vessel.  
  12. Light a cigarette. Take a long, deep drag. Stare at the gentleman’s lifeless face. Take out your phone, make the call, and say, "It's done." 
  13. Extinguish the cigarette and dispose of it into a nearby receptacle. Wrap the body in the blanket that was on the ground. Take out the burying tools from your cart.  
  14. Allow any waiting members to play through.  
  15. Having ensured the burying spot is not in the fairway or green, dig a hole, taking breaks every ten minutes to reduce the presence of sweat. 
  16. Pull the body into the hole. So as to alleviate the smell of decomposition, drizzle a solution of herbs and scented oils onto carcass. 
  17. Fill hole with dirt and replace divot.  
  18. Change back into club-appropriate attire and finish your round of golf. Remember not to let the possible stress of killing another human being affect your handicap.

 

LEARN MORE ABOUT BEING A GENTLEMAN:

 

The Guidelines for Next Year’s “Eyes Wide Shut” Fuck Party

 

From: Sam Nesbit <themaskedsam@gmail.com>

To: Sam Nesbit <themaskedsam@gmail.com>

Subject: Great party last night!!!!

 

 

Hey guys! 

 

First of all, thank you to everyone who came to my Eyes Wide Shut Fuck Party last night! It was a great party because you all were there! 

 

Secondly, you guys really looked like you were having fun, which is something I care about as the host of an Eyes Wide Shut Fuck Party. I noticed a few you of you in the foyer fucking a ton which was great to see. And even though I thought I’d closed off my master bedroom, I can’t really be upset knowing no less than 20 of you just went to town in there. 

 

It should go without saying that I can’t wait for round two (though hopefully someone else can host, while I handle logistics). I’ve already booked a new blindfolded piano player after what happened with Pietro this year. As you can guess, he won’t be coming back after one of you removed his blindfold and was shocked to discover he was the musical accompaniment to a 40 person orgy (great turnout, everyone!). 

 

As I stressed in my Evite, secrecy is the key to throwing a successful Eyes Wide Shut Fuck Party. It’s all part of the experience. We all wear masks to protect our identities during the event, much like Tom Cruise did when he went to the fuck party that inspired our own. 

 

Anyway, while I’ve got you, here are a few more things in regard to next year’s Eyes Wide Shut Fuck Party, which I’m sure is going to be even better than this year’s!

 

1. Please do not ignore the passwords. They exist for a reason. Since only Randy (I believe it was Randy?) and I said “Kcirbuk” (our visionary’s name backwards) upon entering, I do not know if it were my friends or complete strangers engaging in unadulterated, sweaty sexual intercourse in my home. In fact, most of you just handed your coat to the man I hired to guard the door. Chalk it up to a miscommunication, I guess. My bad as host!

2. Nobody ate any of the deviled eggs that I’d spent hours preparing. Instead many of you chose to fuck on them. While I love that you guys were really going at it, they were delicious and I may be biased, but I really feel like you all missed out by not indulging in them. A fuck party is the time to let go of inhibitions, so have that extra snack. 

3. It is customary that at an Eyes Wide Shut Fuck Party, the organizer is the master and not to be ignored. Nobody followed any of my instructions or Latin chants, though I was happy that everyone still had a pleasant and liberating time. Again, sweet fuck party, everyone! We really did it!

4. It is also customary that the master have free reign to have sex with any woman he chooses. In fact, this is the most important part of the party, a detail all the women in attendance ignored. Perhaps you were intimidated by my authority, but trust that I was available to take part in any and all sexual activities. 

5. An Eyes Wide Shut Fuck Party is meant to be a classy event, much like it was in the Tom Cruise film, Eyes Wide Shut. While I do not expect everyone to stay clothed throughout the night, please note the following dress code: 

  • Men: Tuxedo, with cape
  • Women: Sequined thong, with cape

6. Note that the following items, all of which were worn last night, are forbidden:

  • Corduroy pants
  • Bolo ties
  • A t-shirt that says “The Man, The Legend” with an arrow pointing at your face and another pointing at your crotch, respectively 
  • Did one of you wear a Best Buy uniform?

7. Please do not ignore the safe words. As you may recall, one of the larger men in attendance (Randy?) cornered me, bent me over his lap, removed my mask, and began spanking me in front of everyone despite the fact that I was screaming “Red Rubber Ball,” the agreed upon code. 

8. The point of the safe word is to cease the action immediately. It DOES NOT mean “lock the person who said it in the soundproof panic room he had built in case of emergency and continue to spank him."

9. Everyone should know the keycode to the panic room in advance. In case it ever comes up, it's "T0mCruiseN00d." 

10. If anyone is still at my house, please let me out of this panic room. I am in here with nothing but my cell phone and possibly Randy, who passed out from exhaustion only 20 minutes ago. I refuse to remove his mask, as I would be nothing but a hypocrite if I did. 

11. Just remember to have fun. In secret, of course!

 
 

Welcome To The Occasional

 
W

elcome to The Occasional, Funny Or Die’s digital humor magazine. We’re very excited to have you here as we transition our sporadic iOS publication to a regularly updated website. Though let’s drop the word “magazine.” It’s become an outdated word, used only by those unable to move on from the past. Let’s call ourselves a “journal.” 

 

Before I dive into what’s going to fill the pages of this journal, I have a quick story I would like to tell — one that my father used to tell me as a boy. 

 

He was living in Florence at the time, studying medicine. It was the late ’60s, and while the rest of his generation was succumbing to the hippie culture and the hedonism of the era, he was overseas preparing for the future. Which meant working his tail off to become the best goddamn doctor he could, and would, become. On a perfect spring afternoon, he found himself walking the streets and seeing the sites he’d taken for granted while his head was buried in textbooks. The Uffizi, The Duomo, and L’Accademia, home of the David. 

 

After taking in Michelangelo’s masterpiece, he found himself in a public restroom. As my father stepped out of the stall, the door swung open and a man entered and headed toward the urinal. But the man mistimed the unzipping of his pants, leaving him a full six-feet away from the urinal with his penis already hanging out. He quickly realized he wasn’t alone in the bathroom and had to act like it was normal and that he intended to begin the unzipping process from that distance. Then he calmly sidled up to the urinal and relieved himself.

 

On his way out, he caught eyes with my father — frozen by what he’d just witnessed — and mouthed something in Italian: “Tu sei un volto ora ho visto,” which translates to, “You are a face I have now seen.” 

 

My father told me this story on my Bar Mitzvah. Just to me. Right before I read from the Torah.

 

I took the story to heart. And it’s moments like my father’s experience that will guide The Occasional as we create whatever this former digital magazine-turned-journal ultimately becomes. In this life, sometimes you’ll take your penis out before you should. But that’s okay as long as you play it cool and act like you meant to do so. It’s what you do with it once it’s out that’s important. And in our case, our penis is humorous articles, videos, interactive features, and spotlights on your favorite comedians and writers. Maybe we’ll take it out at just the right time, maybe not. But that’s part of the fun: the suspense.

 

Our goal is to try to raise bar for internet comedy with high-brow humor. This site will be a curated, lean-back experience that’s not afraid to experiment. Not every written piece of comedy on the internet needs to be in list form. Not everything needs to be a quiz. No pandering. No cheap laughs. 

 

You will never see us go for the easy joke. 

 

And if we do, trust us that we’ll hoist it back in our pants and carry on. It’s what my father and that sage Italian man would have wanted.

 

Yours Forever, 

Dan Abramson

Italian Culture Expert

 

Guess the Mystery Celeb!

Test your knowledge and use the clues below!

 
  • This MYSTERY CELEB recently released a racy video in which she appeared naked riding a “wrecking ball.”
  • This MYSTERY CELEB “twerked” at the VMAs, which my have offended 
  • her father, Billy Ray Cyrus.
  • When this MYSTERY CELEB becomes happy, her facial expression 
  • can be described as s”miley.”
  • This MYSTERY CELEB was the star of the Disney TV show 
  • Hannah Montana, in which she played a character named Miley.
  • An anagram of this MYSTERY CELEB’s name is “Miley Cyurs.”
  • This MYSTERY CELEB often tweets from her Twitter handle, @MileyCyrus.
 
 

CAN YOU GUESS THE MYSTERY CELEB?!?

 
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This article was originally published November 2013

 

Around Town: Will and Jaden Play Ball!

 

Celebs are hitting the town and making a scene!

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Will and Jayden Smith are two of Hollywood’s hottest stars, but that doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy a good game of catch just like any other father and son! This Tuesday, the After Earth costars spent an hour tossing the ol’ horsehide around in Los Angeles’ Griffith Park!

“Look at us, having such fun throwing and catching this base ball,” Will Smith told dozens of gathered reporters. “My biological son, Jaden Smith, and I enjoy spending time together just as normal fathers and sons do. Woo! Good catching of that ball, my little son!”

Fifteen-year-old Jaden says even though their movie-star schedules can sometimes be demanding, he and his dad always find time to spend together! “We go to films. We eat ice creams. We do the fishing. We discuss females,” Jaden said while posing with his bat and ball for the cameras. “None of our behavior is alarming. There is no need to question it.”

After playing catch, Will and Jaden spent several minutes horsing around and making silly faces as reporters snapped photos. “Ha! Ha! I am feeling the emotion called happiness!” shouted Will. “See how we are able to touch each other’s skin without even gloves or masks?”

“You are a man that I trust, father!” said Jaden while spinning in circles.

Before long, playtime was over and Will and Jaden had to get back to work. “Go now. Report to the masses what you have seen here,” Will told reporters as he and Jaden stepped into their transportation pod. “They have been trained to believe you.”  

 


This article was originally published November 2013

 

The Gauntlet: 50 Questions with Paul F. Tompkins

Photo by Paul F. Tompkins

Photo by Paul F. Tompkins

 
 

In lieu of a real interview, we sent 50 questions
to Paul F. Tompkins and told him to answer as many
as he could and that regardless of how far he got,
we'd publish all of them.

We abbreviated your name in internal emails as PFT. Do you ever refer to yourself as PFT?

When I talk about myself in the third person, it tends to be more along the lines of, “His Excellency.”

 

How about PYT?

How ABOUT it?!

 

You know, like the Michael Jacko song?

I DO like the Michael Jacko song!

 

You probably get that PYT thing a lot, don’t you?

Uhhh. Not at all! What fun.

 

Just so you know, regardless of your answer, we will consider you a PYT.

Let’s move on.

 

If you had a nickname that the press gave you, what would it be?

Up to the press to decide? I’m sorry, I’m trying to follow your question 
but you’re asking me to read the minds of the Fourth Estate.

 

What would you have to do to end up in the tabloids?

Be known by more than 100 people? THIS OUGHTTA DO IT!

 

You were once on a show called DAG. What was it like working 
with David Alan Grier?

Lucrative.

 

Are you currently wearing your trademark suit?

I WON’T DIGNIFY THAT WITH A RESPONSE.

 

How many hats do you wear?

Only as many as would make me tall enough to go on rides.

 

How do you look so goddamn sharp?

Watch your tone. Also, tuck in your shirt.

 

Define sartorial and use it in a sentence. 

“Sartorial” refers to matters of clothing, as in, “I know ‘sartorial’ relates to clothing in some way, but I’m not sure, so could you define it for me?”

 

Are you, or have you ever, been a wearer of tank tops?

I have no occasion to enter tanks, so no.

 

Gotta let those guns breathe, right?

... Sure.

 

Because they’re hot?

Next.

 

Who’s got the sexiest arms in Hollywood?

Whoever wears the longest sleeves, because they’re clearly trying to 
maintain order by concealing them.

 

What do the words “Man, it’s brutal out there” mean to you?

DRAGONS.

 

How can one make talking about the weather more interesting?

Act like you made it happen: “Sorry about the rain today. My hand slipped.”

 

We’re covering a lot of family topics in this issue. Mind if we ask you 
about your family?

I dare you to.

 

F. Thompkins: That’s a name of Hispanic descent, correct?

Maybe. I’m no expert, though, because my name is TOMPKINS.

 

Do you know what your parents did before you were born?

Yes, I would watch them from heaven while I was waiting to be born.

 

How did they ever live without you?

Shabbily.

 

If they’re reading this, and we assume they are, what would you want to tell them here and not in person?

“I love you.”

 

What are your thoughts on sisters?

MOVE OVER, BROTHERS!!!!

 

What are your thoughts on the sisters? 

I can only respond by swiveling my head on my neck like crazy.

 

Aunts: Overrated? Underrated?

Well, they’re no uncles.

 

Do you pronounce the word “aunt” as “ant” or “awnt”?

I say “ain’t,” like Sheriff Andy Taylor of Mayberry, R.F.D. 

 

If you could institute an entirely new pronunciation of the word aunt, what would it be?

INT.

 

What does motherhood mean to you?

Let’s get this party started!

 

Anybody can get a gun but it takes a man to be a father, right?

It’s not really a question if you just add “right” to the end, is it?

 

Rank your family members. Go. 

Okay, I went and did it.

 

What’s your Thanksgiving like?

Revelation 4:4.

 

What’s your favorite Thanksgiving memory with your family?

We only have one shared memory — the time that scientist tried 
to fuse our consciousnesses together.

 

What question are you asked most at family gatherings?

“When are you going to appear in The Occasional? Until you do, 
we consider you a failure, right?”

 

How would you explain podcasts to the very elderly?

Slowly but concisely.

 

How do they explain paintings to you?

LOTS of pointing and grunting.

 

Do you have, or are you currently having, any children?

I don’t have any kids ... that I participate in the lives of! [Up top]

 

Why?

I don’t need to deplete my candy budget catering to unsophisticated palates.

 

What would you tell your daughter, Abigail, if you had a daughter 
named Abigail?

“I’m just going out for a pack of cigarettes.”

 

Leno or Letterman … to have as your dad?

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY REAL FATHER?!?!

 

Would you like to stop these questions? You can if you’d like. 

Fuck you.

 

Let’s get to the hard-hitting questions: You see someone who you’re 
pretty sure is Hitler, but he’s walking a real cute dog. What do you do?

I march right up to that dog and let him know EXACTLY who’s holding his leash. Then watch them fight.

 

What would you tell Eric Clapton when you meet him in heaven?

“I coveted my neighbor’s wife, too, but here we both are!”

 

Eric Clapton: Dead or alive?

Alive, please? I am uncomfortable giving the kill order on Clapton.

 

Are you sure?

No. Take him down.

 

Who’s on your bucket list?

The bucketiest people I can think of! Lots of folks with chins or 
beards that look like handles.

 

In terms of hot cereal, you a Farina or Cream of Wheat man?

I like to do a hot cereal “suicide” with both Farina and Cream of Wheat, with a little McCann’s Steel-Cut Irish Oatmeal and some gruel. 

 

Speaking of, what do you think of that Cream of Wheat man they 
have on the box?

I LOVE his hat.

 

Which Vacation movie is your favorite: Christmas Vacation or Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie’s Island Adventure?

Pass.

 

White pants: what’s the story there?

THE SOUL YEARNS FOR ELEGANCE.

 

This article was originally published November 2013

 
 

READ MORE Gauntlet: 50 Questions:

Family Review: Uncles

 
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Artie Johann illustration by&nbsp;Gregor Louden

Artie Johann illustration by Gregor Louden

id you know that 90% of the people in this country are uncles? I forget where I heard that statistic. I think it was from that maniac who hangs out at the library. I get most of my news from him. He’s like a really loud, dangerous newspaper. 

For those of you who don’t know, an uncle is a man who hangs out around families during holidays, birthday parties, and other events where there is free food. They are a vital part of extended families and come in three different forms: Cool Uncle, Bad Uncle, and Girl Uncle.

Cool Uncles usually have a mustache. They’re the uncles your dad loves and your mom hates. They will give you a sip of their beer when no one’s looking, and let you eat dessert way before dinner. Most cool uncles wear shirts they got for free, and always have a story about seeing a rock star eating lunch at a deli. For some reason, all cool uncles want in life is to see rock stars eating sandwiches. But always round down the rock star they said they saw. If they told you they saw Mick Jagger, they actually saw Rod Stewart. If they said they saw Tom Petty, they really saw John Cougar Mellencamp. And if they told you they saw Bryan Adams, they didn’t see anyone. No one brags about Bryan Adams unless it’s a panicked lie. 

Cool uncles are fun because they love to joke around. No object is shtick proof. Give a cool uncle an ice cream cone and he’ll show you five different ways to put it on your head. Everything’s a joke with them. Everything except Vietnam. Vietnam is a cool uncle’s Vietnam. 

Popular names for cool uncles are Joe, Hank, and Buck. 

 

Bad Uncles usually have a mustache. They’re the uncles that you see a lot in pictures when you’re a baby, then not again until you’re in high school. A sign that someone’s a bad uncle is that when they walk into a room everyone gets quiet. Another sign is that they give inappropriately expensive gifts to your sister. That’s a sign of a very, very bad uncle. 

Bad uncles will get in a minimum of one fistfight with your dad during Thanksgiving. It’ll usually start with a just-for-fun front lawn football game and turn into a way-too-serious running race/wrestling match on the street. In-laws will try to intervene, only to be told to “stay out of this”, and it’ll all end with Grandpa somehow falling in the driveway, and a silent dessert-in-the-car drive home.    

Bad uncles are also always “in-between” things. They’ll say stuff like “Hey, do me a favor...”, “Can I borrow your cell phone?”, and “I pay taxes. I’m shitting on this beach.”   

Popular names for bad uncles are Deadbeat, Asshole, and Loser.

 

Girl Uncles are just like other uncles except they’re girls. Popular names for girl uncles are Aunt Karen, Aunt Dawn, and Aunt Judy. 

 

In conclusion, cool uncles rule! Bad uncles suck. And girl uncles are weird, but sometimes hot in the way ladies in medication commercials are hot. The best part about uncles is that they’re basically practice dads. If you’re ever worried your dad is gonna get mad at you for something, just practice it on your uncle. That’s why I punch my uncle a lot. Sometimes I get mad at my dad and feel like punching him, but I don’t because he’s strong from being in the Army. So, whenever my uncle comes over, I punch him. It’s great! He can’t get mad at me ‘cause I’m not his kid. This one time when I was in high school, I wanted to throw a huge keg party at my house, but was worried my dad would get angry. So I broke into my uncle’s house and threw it there instead. He was furious, but who cares, he’s not my dad! I guess a lot of kids porked in his bed. Actually, I know a lot of kids porked in his bed. It’s where I told everyone they could pork.

 

Overall Rating

 
 
cindies.jpg

Five out of five Cindy Crawford posters

Uncles LOVE Cindy Crawford.

 

This article was originally published November 2013

 

Indiana Jones: Behind the Scenes

 

George Lucas: So after Sean Connery’s like “Indiana was the dog’s name,” we cut to Indiana, his dad, and their family dog fighting Nazis. It’ll be a great teaser for “Indiana Jones 4: Raiders of the Lost Bark.”  

Harrison Ford: I’m into it.

Sean Connery: Me too, let’s do it.  

(Steven Spielberg enters the room.)

Steven Spielberg: George, who are you talking to? 

(George Lucas glances toward life-size cut-outs of Sean Connery and Harrison Ford. Steven Spielberg slowly backs out the door.)

George Lucas: Great. We start shooting tomorrow. I’ve already drawn up the contracts. 

(George Lucas laughs maniacally for 20 minutes, doing nothing to hide his erection.) 

 

This article was originally published November 2013

 

The Rob Delaney Guide to Parenting

 
 

The Twitter champ, author, and father was kind enough to shed some light on the best parenting practices.

 

How would you describe yourself as a father? 

Really, really good. Only because parenting kids under 3 is easy, in the sense that 
if you screw up in any substantial way, they’ll die.

Debunk this standard parenting practice: giving your children a better life than you had.

That’s mayonnaise. Which is to say: that’s ridiculous. Did Abe Lincoln have an easy life? Coco Chanel? Pol Pot? If you want your kid to be great, you give them a garbage life. 

What traits of yours do you want your kids to have? 

I want my kids to have my oaken buttocks and powerful thighs. When I see a hill or a flight of stairs, I am confident that my beef machine will carry me effortlessly to the top.

What do you not want them to have?

I don’t want them to have my deep-seated racism. Not a lot of people know I’m a racist because I play by the rules as I climb the rungs of fame’s ladder, but I hate race-mixing, racy song lyrics, foot races, you name it.

What physical attributes do you want your kids to inherit from your wife?

I hope my sons have full ample bosoms like their beautiful mother. I love my wife’s breasts and if my sons want me to love them, they will grow or otherwise acquire breasts like their mother’s. 

What sex moves will you teach your kids when they’re ready?

The “Hold the Door for the Nice Lady,” the “Did You Get Your Hair Done?”, and the “Cincinnati Shit Waffle.”

robinset.jpg

What extracurricular activity would you hope your kids do?

I’m a sportsman myself, so hopefully they’ll like sportsball, sporting around, and playing “Math Wand.”

How would you handle someone else disciplining your child?

That would be a-okay with me. My wife will tell you I’m terrified of conflict, so if a priest or SWAT team has ideas on how to keep my boys in line, 
be my guest. 

 
 
 
 

The Rob Delaney Child Achievement Goal Sheet

According to Rob, his children need to hit specific accomplishments every 10 years.

Hit start button below

 
 

Illustrated by Justin Bilicki

This article was originally published November 2013

Tom Cruise Becomes a Father

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From: Janice Lee <JLee@NewHope.com>

To: Tom Cruise <tomcruise12345@tomcruise.com>

Date: May 16, 2013 at 4:58pm

Subject: Your Recent Inquiry 

 

Dear Mr. Cruise:

 

Thank you for your inquiry into the New Hope Fertility Clinic. You may schedule an appointment to donate any time between the hours 9am and 5pm, Monday to Friday. 

 

We ask that you bring a valid, state-issued ID and copies of any documents of certification you wish to verify. It is important that you refrain from any sexual activity for three days before your appointment.

 

As per your question regarding compensation, there is no set rate; compensation is calculated based on a variety of factors, including what we currently have in stock in our storage facility. 

 

Please direct any further questions to our help desk, which can be reached at: (860) 615-9469

 

Thank you for your interest in New Hope Fertility Clinic, the San Fernando Valley leader in fertility services. 

 

Janice Lee

Administration

 

P.S. You certainly have a very famous name!! I bet you get that a lot! You’re probably tired of people asking if you’re the actor Tom Cruise, so sorry to be annoying. ; )

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From: Janice Lee <JLee@NewHope.com>

To: Tom Cruise <tomcruise12345@tomcruise.com>

Date: May 22, 2013 at 10:32am

Subject: RE: Your Recent Inquiry

 

Dear Mr. Cruise,

 

Thank you for following up with New Hope, though we urge you to call our help line at (860) 615-9469 with any further questions you may have.

 

In case we were not clear in our previous email, all donations must take place at our facility where they can be handled properly by our team of professionals. Donors are not permitted to simply mail an unsolicited sample in a warm piece of tupperware.

 

And as we have already mentioned, proper identification is required for all donors. Here is a list of documents that qualify: 

  • Driver’s License
  • Any State-Issued ID Card
  • Social Security Card
  • Passport

As you may have noticed, a piece of masking tape on the tupperware with the words “The Top Gun’s Legacy” in poor penmanship is not on that list. 

 

Please make an appointment and we will gladly walk you through the process if you need more assistance. 

 

Thank you, 

Janice Lee

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From: Janice Lee <JLee@NewHope.com>

To: Tom Cruise <tomcruise12345@tomcruise.com>

Date: May 25, 2013 at 1:18pm

Subject: Proper Protocol

 

Mr. Cruise, 

 

I urge you to stop mailing us samples of semen in padded envelopes. You now have sent over 10 soup-sized tupperware containers and somewhere in the range of 10-15 ziplock bags, which were labeled “Round 2.” This is nothing more than a waste of our time and your time.  

 

Furthermore, how are you even mailing these? They don’t have any stamps or any sign of paid postage. I can only assume you’re dropping them off personally and then leaving the premises. If you would just come inside, we would be happy to assist you. 

 

And in regard to your note in which you asked about my ethnicity, yes, I am in fact Asian.

 

Janice

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From: Janice Lee <JLee@NewHope.com>

To: Tom Cruise <tomcruise12345@tomcruise.com>

Date: May 28, 2013 at 9:12am

Subject: RE: Proper Protocol

 

Please. Mr. Cruise. Stop. You sent us 40 pounds of samples, all stored in Chinese food containers that you drew hearts on.

 

Am I to understand that the scanned note below is an invoice for your “donations”?

 
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Even if we were to pay you that ridiculous amount, without proper, or any, identification, we cannot verify that you are in fact, the real Tom Cruise. 

 

Janice 

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From: Janice Lee <JLee@NewHope.com>

To: Tom Cruise <tomcruise12345@tomcruise.com>

Date: May 31, 2013 at 8:26am

Subject: RE: Proper Protocol

 

Mr. Cruise, 

You sent us this photograph.

photo1.jpg

It is not a valid form of ID, nor does it actually prove you are Tom Cruise. 

 

Janice  

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From: Janice Lee <JLee@NewHope.com>

To: Tom Cruise <tomcruise12345@tomcruise.com>

Date: June 2, 2013 at 8:13am

Subject: RE: Proper Protocol

 

Mr. Cruise, 

You sent us this photograph.

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While that actually does open the door to you being the actor Tom Cruise, there are strict rules and regulations we have to follow. And while we normally would be honored to have a film star of your caliber volunteering to help couples unable to conceive a child of their own, it is our wish to discontinue this relationship. We appreciate your interest in New Hope, but we have to ask you to take your services elsewhere. 

 

Janice Lee

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From: Janice Lee <JLee@NewHope.com>

To: Tom Cruise <tomcruise12345@tomcruise.com>

Date: June 2, 2013 at 8:17am

Subject: RE: Proper Protocol

 

Mr. Cruise, 

 

No, we are not being “glib” in telling you the rules of our fertility clinic. We take our business very seriously and have been serving the community for over 30 years. If anything, it is you who is being glib. 

 

Janice Lee

Administration

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From: Janice Lee <JLee@NewHope.com>

To: Tom Cruise <tomcruise12345@tomcruise.com>

Date: November 3, 2013 at 2:51pm

Subject: Your Donations

 

Mr. Cruise,

 

We have not received any official correspondence or donations from you in some months. I am not complaining. Office morale is slowly returning to the high level it was at prior to your decision to conduct business with The New Hope Fertility Clinic.

 

But I have begun to feel guilty that we had pushed you away when your heart was in the right place. If you still wish to donate and help families in need, I will personally set you up with an appointment.  

 

Janice Lee

Administration

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From: Janice Lee <JLee@NewHope.com>

To: Tom Cruise <tomcruise12345@tomcruise.com>

Date: November 6, 2013 at 8:33am

Subject: RE: Your Donations

 

Dear Mr. Cruise,

 

Please don’t send us any more pictures you have photoshopped of yourself giving birth to African-American children with the caption “I love black people.” 

 

And your insistence that we have a duty to preserve your bloodline because you are the “last samurai” is, frankly, not our concern.

 

Consider this your final correspondence with New Hope Fertility. 

 

Janice Lee

 

This article was originally publish November 2013

 

Glendale Herald Obituary

 

Lou Kalunksy

L
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ou Kalunksy died last night at the age of 68. He worked at this newspaper for over forty years, where he served as the Obituaries Editor. Despite Kalunksy's decades of hard work, he was never given a shred of respect by anybody. His editors paid him terribly and his colleagues made fun of his weight and speaking voice, which happened to be high-pitched.

During his tenure at the Herald, Kalunsky wrote over 10,000 obituaries. He also masturbated in every single room of the bureau, including his editor's office (twice). He was never caught, even though he masturbated at work a minimum of once a day. 

In addition to masturbating everywhere, Kalunksy often took pencils off his colleague's desks, went into the third floor bathroom, and put the pencils inside of his butt. Later, when nobody was looking, he would put these pencils back on people's desks. Everyone at the newspaper used pencils that had been inside of his butt.

Once a week, Kalunsky went to work early and spat in all the water coolers. Everyone drank his spit all the time.

Kalunksy is survived by his coworkers at the Herald, including Sheryl (who ate his special dietary yogurts without asking) and Paul (who called Kalunsky "Ka-lumpy" behind his back.) Both colleagues drank his spit and used pencils from his butt. One night, Kalunsky took Paul's ruler, which he uses all the time for layout, and jammed it really deep inside of his butt. The next day, he saw Paul using the ruler and laughed so hard that he started to cry. People asked him what was so funny and he said "Jeff's political cartoon," but really it was the fact that Paul was using a ruler that had been incredibly deep inside of his unwashed butt.

In lieu of flowers, please send bags of shit to the offices of the Glendale Herald.


This article was originally published October 2013

 

Yelp Review: adultfriendfinder.com

 

WARNING! FALSE ADVERTISING!!!

I recently logged on to this website because I needed help finding an adult friend. His name is Tom, he is 31 years old, and he has been missing since August 29th, 2013. After spending $19.95 on this bogus service, my adult friend has STILL not been found!

With the police investigation producing no leads and zero witnesses coming forward with information, I was at a serious loss for how to locate my adult friend. It seems that in today’s “Amber Alert” culture, with so much attention focused on finding our missing child friends, adult-friend-finding has largely been pushed to the back burner (thanks, Obama). So you can imagine my pleasant surprise when I stumbled across a website called “AdultFriendFinder.com.” I thought to myself “finally, a service catering to my specific needs.” Boy, was I ever wrong.

Despite my situation meeting ALL of the criteria laid out in this website’s incredibly misleading name (Tom is a full-grown adult, a true friend, and in serious need of finding), Adult Friend Finder was completely unhelpful in locating him. And this was through no lack of trying on my part. I was as specific as possible within the confines of their strangely lighthearted and randy search terms. Since I am also a man, I selected “man seeking man” for “casual fun” (figuring that a casual, fun night in with his loved ones could be quite helpful to Tom’s most-likely-shattered psyche). I clicked “search” and waited.   

At this point, I became VERY confused. The results were nothing but photos of men in various states of undress AND arousal. How is this relevant to locating missing adults?! I found it very odd that the families of these men would provide such racy, downright pornographic photos of their missing loved ones, but there was no time to sit in judgment. I had an adult friend to find.

I soon received a message from a “HungYoungWolf_44” asking if I wanted to “party.” I obliged, assuming that meant organizing a search party. I told Hung Young (who, based on his name, I assumed to be of Japanese and German descent – he wasn’t) to meet me that evening at the men’s room in the park (the site of Tom’s disappearance) and to bring a flashlight, rope and whatever other tools he’d need to get the job done. He arrived with a sack full of devices alright, but they all seemed better suited for searching in a person than for a person. The two of us had sex and it was great, but this did NOT bring me any closer to finding my adult friend, Tom. 

I would recommend this site for the sex ONLY. For missing persons cases, definitely go to the police or at least HornyPolice.com.

 
 
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[2.5 stars because of the sex]

 

This article was originally published October 2013